Am I too old for this?
A 30-year-old woman might not be the target audience for Gossip Girl, but who cares. I love it anyway. And here is a recap if you didn’t catch last week’s episode.
Gossip Girl, Season 5 Episode 2: Beauty and the Feast
Previously on Gossip Girl … Elizabeth Hurley is a cougar, Serena “works” in Hollywood and has a run-in with Charlie/Ivy, Blair’s seamstress diagnoses her pregnancy, and Chuck is wearing neckerchiefs.
Blair accompanies Dorota to her ultrasound so that she can pepper the doctor with her own questions under the guise of ‘What to expect when your Western European maid is expecting’. Dorota, fooled by nothing, figures out that B too is knocked up. I’m actually surprised that we made it this long without a pregnancy story line. Did you ever notice that Blair talks just like Cher in Clueless? I mean, “gestational issues”? As if! Blair tries to blow it off like its no big deal but is brutally rebuffed.
Since meeting Liz Hurley (I don’t care what her name is on this show, because I cant get past the fact that its Liz Hurley) Nate is having trouble in the department of erections. Nate points to his head and says, “its here that’s the problem.” Of that I’m sure, because pretty Nate is, but capable of complex thought he is not.
Moving onto Brooklyn, Rufus’ character development has never progressed beyond ex-rock star-waffle-maker. He literally walks in to Dan’s room with a wisk and a bowl and my eyes strain to roll as far back into my head as possible. Dan is too busy to worry about waffles because he needs to hack into Vanessa’s bank account. Unfortunately, he can’t get past the password. It’s Vanessa, so we can assume it’s a shout out to tribal jewelry or composting.
Now let’s just take a moment to talk about Prince Louis. He is very dopey and sounds as though he has been shot up with Novocain before every scene. “Allo Blayah, I meesed oooo.” And enough with the checkered shirts. Louis’ sister princess Beatrice (who has a completely different accent than her brother) is on her way and its time for some bonding between her and Blair. Blair’s first trimester “gestational issues” have left her unable to eat, which is funny because we rarely see her eat more than one blueberry at a time.
Serena and Charlie/Ivy are brunching in LA. Serena asks Charlie/Ivy if she’s being responsible with her medication. Serena. Serena! Serena who’s In Style subscription is likely still sent to her suite in rehab. Chivy tries desperately and not so subtly to avoid Serena. S, who is maybe just a notch smarter than Nate, is blissfully unaware.
Dan follows chuck to the 718 (I think it’s Queens, but I can’t be sure. The floating Chuck head on the Gossip Girl mobile app obscures the cross streets) where Chuck is paying white people to beat him up. Dan, with no story line to call his own, gets involved. Dan should really be focusing on this Danny Zuko thing his hair is doing, but they probably need to save that for season 6.
Beatrice and Blair are discussing dress options for the big day. Blair, who I’m now completely convinced is just a bitchy Cher Horowitz, can’t wear her Alaia (“It's like a totally important designer” – Cher). Forcing the issue, Beatrice makes Blair eat street meats, a sin unto itself. She assumes that Blair is bulimics because, “No one uses le toilet so often”. Oh, this writing! So Beatrice knows the English terminology for bulimia but gets stumped at le toilet? Beatrice continues to try to out Blair as bulimic by force-feeding her at le feast, where we are also introduced to le hot priest. And you don’t need to be brilliant to anticipate that if the priest is hot then he’s not a real priest. Duh. Duh forever Gossip Girl casting.
Chivy and Serena are looking at apartments together. Chivy is finding every reason ever to not move in and Serena doesn’t seem to be able to get the hint at all. Again, I’m not surprised. Its like Chivy’s mouth is moving but all Serena hears is “Blah blah blah love your shoes! Be my mentor!” Serena refuses to take no for an answer, and if I remember correctly, this behavior landed a private school teacher in prison for a few years last season.
Nate finds Liz Hurley. She’s wearing a hilariously slutty outfit to be the new owner of the New York Spectator, for which she apparently has to do her own story writing. Nate and Liz Hurley bang.
Nervous Dan continues his cross-town mission of meddling by trying to find Blair. He wanders into the Feast looking pasty and cagey like he’s trying to score some heroin. He’s really worried about everyone and trying to solve all these problems that have nothing to do with him. Dan knows that Chuck and Blair “danced the Hora” last season, so l’enfant terrible could be anybody’s!
Chivy breaks up with her LA boyfriend because Serena is just too persuasive. He gets it and lets her leave, whereas Serena would be like, “Huh? I’ll pay the deposit? Rhodes sistas!” When Chivy goes to get in the limo, Serena springs it on her that they are actually moving back to New York. Chivy doesn’t seem phased by any of this. I don’t even like getting a last-minute meeting invite – but this is all apparently plausible.
And so it goes. Serena is headed back to NYC with Charlie/Ivy in tow. Nate will intern as a cougar cub. We can hopefully look forward to a Maury Povich style reveal of DNA results for Blair’s baby. And Dan, well, Dan will be there too.