When someone doesn’t invite you to their wedding, its probably safe to say you’re not friends

#TheStruggleIsReal

This past year one of my best friends from high school announced her engagement.  I hadn’t seen her in a few years, we talked occasionally through text or Facebook throughout college, but with both of us living in separate cities, we drifted apart as most people do after high school.  After the engagement announcement, I would see the progress of her upcoming wedding before my eyes on Facebook.  As the months passed, I waited patiently for an invite.  I saw her post pictures of her bachelorette party, her engagement photos and then, finally, an announcement that it was the night before her wedding.  At that point, it was more than safe to say, I wasn’t invited.

When someone doesn’t invite you to their wedding, it’s probably safe to say you’re not friends.

 

 

Instead of being relieved, like some women are that they don’t have to attend a wedding and feel like that single loser, I was really bothered.  Not getting invited to the wedding of someone you once called your closest friend hurts more than just a little.  I know that we had drifted apart, but she was a significant part of my life for many years and I felt like that lack of invitation was like a personal loss.  Like the friendship meant more to me than it ever did to her.

I tried to look at it from a different perspective and think, well, maybe because we weren’t as close as we used to be, I didn’t make the cut because the wedding was going to be small and on a budget.  Then I saw the photos later posted on Facebook…  I’ve always known my friend came from money.  She had a pretty prestigious job herself and her now husband makes quite a bit too.  There’s no doubt in my mind that there was no budget for this wedding.  It was certainly a grande occasion.  So sadly, there was no other explanation than we were not friends.  Simple as that.  A few days after the wedding pics were posted I sent her a congratulatory message.  Not to my surprise, I received no response.

Well, I thought to myself, what can I do?  We have both gone our separate ways in life and obviously, she isn’t quite as nostalgic as I am.  I still wish her all the happiness in the world, but this got me thinking about how often this happens.  I know weddings are expensive and people have to budget and leave some people out simply due to cost.  Does it destroy “friendships”?  I felt like this lack of invitation defined my “friendship” as nothing more than a memory of the past for her and a reality check for me.  How often does this happen? So what determines that fine line between invited and not making the cut?

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Red Lipshtick
I’m certainly not a modern day Carrie Bradshaw by any means, just a typical small-town girl…living in a lonely world, I took the midnight train going anywhere…sorry, I had to, but I digress. I’ve weeded through just about as many men as the Sex and the City gals have…combined…and I have a plethora of stories (good and bad) as well as advice to share regarding what I have learned over the years. It took me a LONG time to find a man who treats me right and the road to get here has been rough. I’m not a dating expert or guru by any means; I just enjoy sharing my stories (most of them shocking and awkward) and giving advice where I can.

For the past couple of years, I have been working on my YouTube channel, www.YouTube.com/c/Redlipshtick and I also have my own website at www.redlipshtickgal.com. I have been known to “tell it like it is”, which some people may find brash but I am not one to sugar coat things! As a writer, I truly believe everyone should express themselves as who they are and to be confident within themselves. I am a huge fan of anything that helps people find confidence. Be who you want to be!
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14 Comments

  1. Diane says:

    Something similar is happening to me now. My BFF from HS is getting married. I was invited but not asked to be in the wedding and was shrugged aside for the bachelorette party. I’m especially hurt because 3 years ago when I got married she was my maid of honor. We live in different states and she met the new fiancé shortly after I got married so I haven’t had a chance to meet him yet.

    Honestly, I think it’s like you said. Clearly I have been living in the past. I’ll go to the wedding. Exchange pleasantries but we aren’t going to grow old as best friends like we planned. Of which, I’m still very sad about. I guess that’s what happens when we grow up. 🙁

    • Red Lipshtick Gal says:

      I am very sorry to hear that 🙁 I can really relate to how you’re feeling and can empathize. I guess distance has a lot to do with it, but it’s shocking to me that with her having been your maid of honor, that she wouldn’t have you in the wedding party. It baffles me how some people can mean so much to us but then learn it’s not reciprocated. The only thing we can do is hold our heads high and be thankful for the friends we do truly have. Thank you for your comment, it’s rather encouraging to know I’m not alone and this does really happen to others too.

  2. Erin says:

    When I got married, the people I loved and cared about in my everyday life were invited. It seems, from what you said, you guys are more acquaintances now. That’s how life goes. If she is someone that you would call up and go to lunch with tomorrow then yes, hurt feelings are expected. Just because you both have grown apart doesn’t mean your friendship isn’t valueable. I have a friend who, when we were young, were inseperable. Life happened and we grew apart. We are “friends” on face book and talk, exchange ideas about our kids, and have a true respect for each other. I did not invite her to my wedding, nor me to hers but the friendship we had is cherished deeply.

  3. Juan M. Diaz says:

    The same thing just happened to me and it has basically ended the friendship, or at least the one I thought we had, which apparently was non-existent to the other party. You will feel sad, but try to move on because this person is no longer your friend and it will be hard to reconnect with them after this incident.

  4. Cheryl says:

    I am going through this right now and quite honestly, I’m very hurt. We have been friends since we were 14 years old -that is now 23 years. Yes, we have been connected on Facebook and live separate lives but I always considered her a friends. We went on a two week road trip when we were 23. I saw the events of her announcement, engagement party and found out this morning that the wedding is this Saturday – all on Facebook. I didn’t receive an invite for any of these events and because we’ve been living separate lives but still friends, I feel very hurt. She came to my dad’s funeral back in 2008. I do wish her well but I am starting to believe that exclusions like this can end friendships. Her wedding is Saturday and I definitely don’t want to ruin her excitement by telling her this. I would rather wait a while or perhaps not say anything. Any thoughts about this are welcomed.

  5. Amy says:

    Also going through something similar. In this case, a friend from college actually told me I would be invited to her wedding around Halloween this year. Didn’t hear anything until photos were all over Facebook. i understand weddings are expensive, but if you’re worried about the cost, don’t tell people they’ll be invited!! I feel insulted. To make matters worse, we were all invited to another party later this year, so I’ll get to see her.

  6. sarah says:

    I found out on Facebook yesterday that one of my best friends (of 30 years) had a bridal shower and I wasn’t included, nor was our 3rd “partner in crime” from college – and we are both really upset. Not only has she been one of my closest friends for 30 years, she was in both of my weddings, once as a bridesmaid and then as a reader, and is one of only 4 women in my life of friends that I chose to be a godmother to one of my daughters. Although we don’t see one another frequently anymore, she lives only 30 minutes from me. Our lives are very different as I have college age children and she is just getting married. I sent her a text saying ‘Bridal Shower? Would love to have known” and then received a reply saying they “have too little room for all the people we love. It’s making my heart hurt, such happiness alongside such yucky hard choices. Doesn’t change that I <3 you" Sorry but WTF! We've travelled the world together and been there for one another through thick and thin. She always made my top 5 women on any list and yet I have been relegated to a "yucky hard choice." Hurt, angry and feel like telling her to lose my number.

  7. Cat says:

    Thank you every one for sharing your stories. I am dealing with the same reality check. A college friend of over 40 years finally got married and while it was a “small gathering” she didn’t even tell me herself – much less invite me. Heard the night before from her significate other when “just chatting” together. Worst is, we had been very close these past years with me contributing money to their dog’s unexpected cancer treatment ($600) a few weeks before and also coming up to stay for a week (at my expense staying outside the home)to take care of her significate partner who was undergoing cancer treatments as well. Months earlier I stayed to help her due to a health issue she had which needed daily care. At my expense and lost of work. And her mother died and I was there every bit of the way. We talked almost daily. So after all settled down after the wedding, I wrote a letter expressing my hurt and how I thought our friendship (again over 40 years) was a “sisterhood” and we would grow old together as friends. And I didn’t understand why she could not tell me herself, even if a “small gathering”. The only response I got was a brief voicemail saying she was sorry. No validation or acknowledgment of my hurt and grief…no other effort. So I realized I was just an “optional, useful” friend after all. While I grieve the loss of what I incorrectly perceived was a deep friendship, I am somewhat comforted (???) by a phrase I read… “Never make anyone a priority when you are only an option for them”..Maya Angelou. Still hurts, but better I know now then when a “crisis” occurs and I had counted on her for support. I find myself oddly ashamed that I could not “read” the true nature of this friendship – surely there were other signs I simply overlooked.

  8. Cass says:

    My best friend I’ve known for 16 years is getting married to his girlfriend in 20 days, and I’d been watching the countdown before then on Facebook, waiting for my invite to hit the letterbox for ages.
    Not that he even told me he was getting married.
    He invited our mutual friends.
    Sure we don’t talk much lately, life gets in the way, bills pile up, but that’s life.
    He’d only have to call and I’d be there, regardless of how many days, months or years we don’t talk.

    He’s invited me to come over for dinner and look through his ‘wedding photos’ after the event.
    Not only to stick-it-to-me that I’m not invited, but then afterwards too when I get to see our friends sharing in his happy moment.

    My dad died in 2006, I always wanted him to give me away at my own wedding.
    I wanted to walk up that aisle knowing I was beside someone I’ve looked up to and admired almost my whole life, since I was young, who I’ve seen grow into a good, honest, content man.

    Only to learn that he doesn’t even want me at his own wedding.
    That he probably didn’t even consider me being part of that special moment in his life.
    I’m really just gutted, gutted and hurt, and I feel like a lonely ass moron with my last and longest friendship meaning nothing at all.

    • Henry2010 says:

      What has happened to you is horrible. One rule of thumb everyone should follow is to NOT talk about the wedding or share wedding pictures/albums with anyone who is NOT invited to the wedding. I had a similar experience to yours, and was basically invited to meet the boyfriend prior to the wedding, then was not invited to the wedding, and then was invited to see the wedding album. I basically have never spoken to this “friend” again. You simply do not treat friends that way. I never broached the matter with them, because at this point it is pretty clear that I am not an important person in their life, and hence it is best to just move on. You just do not need people like this in your life.

  9. Lynn says:

    Wow! I feel better reading this knowing I’m not alone. I met my bff many years ago before we’d even met our SO’s. We only live about 5 minutes apart and hung out weekly. We went through so much together, and have no secrets between us. Even though we met our SO’s around the same time, I was married, and had a baby first. My ceremony was small which only included immediate family, and the best of friends. She was my maid of honor, and is the godmother of my child. Earlier this year, she broke the news that she was getting married, but it was going to be a tiny wedding. I was so excited for her, but my heart sank at the suspicion that I wouldn’t be invited. My husband told me to gather all the facts before jumping to conclusion. When I asked who was all invited, it took her hours to text back, then she confirmed it was only immediate family. I was heartbroken. I let her know I was happy for them, but I was a little hurt since I never imagined I wouldn’t see her get married, but ultimately it is her choice and she should have her wedding exactly the way she wants it. In the past we’d discussed our wedding plans and of course we’d both be there at each others. She replied the next day with no empathy, no acknowledgment of my feelings, only to say that I was being inappropriate by voicing my opinion when it should be a happy time for her, and all she wants from me is my support. The next few times we hung out, it was extremely awkward, and we’ve been seeing each other less and less. Our friendship no longer feels good. I’ve now decided to let this friendship go, and it’s taken some time for the hurt to subside, but I took the time to reflect and feel good about this choice. It’s life, and just makes you appreciate the other lovely people around you.

  10. Julie says:

    When the wedding photos go up online, will I be obligated to ‘like’ them? Wasn’t invited, though just less than a year ago she was telling me how I was one of her favorite people, and we had been good friends for 6 years. I know to click like, comment, or send a congraulatory message would be the thing the bigger person would do, but I’m so hurt I don’t know if I can.

  11. ReeBee says:

    I’m going through the same thing. I got married 5 years ago. This so called “Friend” was invited to all of my wedding related events (bridal shower/bachelorette party/ wedding!) and even made a scene or two or three at both my bachelorette AND my wedding! I tried to ignored the entire bratty incidents by just saying she “must’ve been having some bitch fueled months” and didn’t think much more of it. Until I’d watch my wedding video. She was seen /witnessed by a few different people acting rude to others, and made comments about my guest list at my wedding – But in the wedding video, she is clearly shown diving into a girl (after I tossed my bouquet ) and ripping half of the flowers she snatched from the other girls hand (whom she doesn’t like) and when it was time for the guy who caught the guarder (and put it on her leg) she did this little sexy dance (trying to be funny) and everyone commented on her red thong. Also at my bachelorette party (2 weekends prior to my wedding) she yelled at me about a certain girl (who I now no longer associate with bc she’s a trouble maker) and how the girl was giving her an “attitude” all night long – it totally sucked. But after my wedding we sort of lost contact and I would think back and say “wow she acted pretty rude when it was supposed to have been a fun nice time out”- we got back in touch after that anyways and even went out to dinner 2 years ago and ended up having a blow out bc after I asked her about a trip w a mutual friend (that I knew didn’t go down well at all) she yelled at me “I’m not telling you anything you have a big mouth and can’t be trusted!” Then as I fired back, she changed her story. Was a bunch of pointless drama, but being the bigger person I apologized and thought it was squashed. I even went into her salon and gave her some great business (got hair extensions done by her) and even went to her new house/ out to a nice dinner. She’s getting married next month and I’m the only person it seems to not be invited to her wedding. The funniest part about it is she seems to be mad at me for some unknown reason, but is on good terms w ppl who have lied/ used and even stolen from her in recent years. And get this: some of those ppl were also INVITED to her wedding ? Once I found this out a few months back I pretty much just stopped contact with her (and I haven’t heard from here either) just sad that it took me this long to realize that our friendship fizzled out a long time ago . Just wish she could’ve told me what “ticked ” her off. We go way back too (20 plus yrs and were super tight in our teens to mid 20s) until I had my baby/ got married . When we were tight, we never fought and had some really fun times together☹️ Just sad but I guess I know for sure she no longer considers me a “friend” anymore

  12. catherine hall says:

    My daughter invited her sister an then uninvited her 3 days later. Needless to say I am furious with her and now I am not attending her wedding along with her 2 younger sisters
    She cant see the pain she has caused by being so cruel to her own sister and she hasnt invited her grandparents either (my parents)
    I have always supported her, always stood by her and we have been very close but this has just destroyed our relatinship
    I have cried so much and yesterdya she said I am no longer her mother because I am standing up for her younger sister (who was devastated when she was uninvated)
    I dont understand how anyone can be so cruel to their own flesh and blood
    So now she only has 1 of her 4 sisters going, her son isnt going (boyfriend wont let her have him for the day_ her grandparents arent ging and now her own mother
    Absolutely heartbroken!

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