“The ratio of girls to guys is five to one, there hasn’t been a party like this since 1981”. The Aquabats wrote those legendary lyrics in 2000, but maybe you’re experiencing them in 2016. Maybe you DID just have the greatest party ever. Maybe (and from now on I’m assuming) there was a pool, hamburgers, lots of drinks, and a bunch of things you can’t talk about. However, that was last night, and today you have to clean up. Don’t worry though, I’ve made you a schedule.
How much did you drink last night? Assuming you weren’t the Maura Ellis of the party, you will most likely have a nasty hangover. It’s 2016: We have modern medicine as well as WebMD. But according to the latter, the former doesn’t work. So if that’s right be assured that food and water are all that can save you now. And apparently ibuprofen and Pepto Bismol. Make up your mind, WebMD.
A big party is like Thanksgiving: people get together after a stressful week to celebrate each other and engage in debauchery. There’s even that one alcoholic uncle, or at your party probably an ex-college roommate who takes his shirt off and says something racist! Not to say anyone who drinks excessively is an alcoholic – there’s actually a proven difference. Anyway, people who were too drunk to drive and passed out at your place gotta go! If they’re still drunk when they wake up, make them help you clean up. If not, also make them help you clean up, or else just kick them out, because you probably don’t know all of them anyway. And who cares about your acquaintance Barry’s girlfriend and his annoying cousin who kept hitting on your sister?
“That’s not cool, who threw that Reggie Bar in the pool?” There are some great pool cleaners out there that will help with the beer spilled, but they won’t pick up candy bars. Or swimming suits, deflated pool toys, or really chunky vomit for that matter. You may need to call a professional, but if there’s no super chunky vomit, have one of these babies ready.
Let’s not leave our earth in a trash heap, okay bro? You’re an adult now, this is no longer the roof of Sigma Phi. Get one of those poker things that they used in Wayne’s World 2 and pick up all of the empty beer cans on the lawn, and of course all of the Reggie Bar wrappers and other trash left over. Then, drop them in the blue bin in front of your house that’s been blocking your mail box for the last 7 weeks. It’s a simple task, and you’re helping more than you know.
If you bought anything more expensive than Coors you can stop paying attention here. Bud Light and the like are cheap but drunking the masses is not. You bet you’re broke after throwing a party like this! So no more eating out, no more ordering in, no more going to the movies or taking your girlfriend on a date to Olive Garden to make up for how you acted last night. PB+J and Ramen may have been your go to’s in college, but now you have to at least pretend to be healthy. So cook yourself some beans that you got at the dollar store and stock up on some fruit and vegetables that will last you until your next paycheck.
There you go, a schedule written out plainly for you. Aren’t you glad I did that? You can thank me over on Twitter.
Guest Post by Robert Lanterman