Once upon a time, I met a tall, dark, and handsome man. He made me feel things in 4 hours that I had never felt so quickly in my 28 years of life. We fell in love, got married 35 days later, and had beautiful and talented half-interracial babies… In my head.
(About 14% of that is true.)
What really happened:
Once upon a time, I met a tall, dark, and handsome man. He made me feel things in four hours that I had never felt so quickly in my 28 years of life, and I hated myself every second of it because of it. I had never met a man who was EVERY. THING. I’ve ever wanted. Besides the fact that he was literally one of People Magazine’s ‘Most Beautiful People,’ (which is a red flag and usually not my thing, for good reason) he possessed everything I wanted in a man. If you were to ask me, “How do you want a man to look at you? Talk to you? Kiss you? Touch you? Treat you? “ he was all that and more that I could ever imagine. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman ever created and like no one else existed. He said everything I was thinking but didn’t want to say out loud, out of fear he would go running down Sunset Blvd. and never call me again.
We spent two days together without getting physical. (Stupid on my part. I’ve learned my lesson about abstinence since then.) Then he left town. Then I left the country. Then he never came back to town. We kept in touch for about a month and a half and then our long-distance communication flat-lined. About four months after our initial ‘love affair,’ I ran into him outside of my gym. (Did I mention he lives across the street from my gym and I’ve been driving by his house 3-5 times a week for the past 5 years?) We made small talk while I stood there still sweating from boot camp, and later texted about getting together. A week after that, I ran into him again at the gym. This time I looked even more disgusting, so that was cool. And a week after that, I finally ran into him at a bar wearing one of 3 dresses in my closet that I like to refer to as, “The Dress That Launched a Thousand Ships.”(I own about 3 of these proven secret weapons, and they never fail. If you’d like more information or advice on that, see me later.) We, again, talked about getting together (initiated by him.) Then I ran into him AGAIN about 2 weeks ago at the gym, and realized talk is cheap and my life is ridiculous.
I still think, 7 ½ months later, that we are soul-mates and I’m going to have his half-interracial babies one day. I have these thoughts, not because I’m a hallucinating psychopath, but because I’m a woman. It’s in our fucked up DNA, and every woman has had those feelings about someone at least one time in their lives. This is mine. But, as Celine Dion so brilliantly put it, “My Heart Will Go On.”LUCHANA GATICA @luchanagatica
I am a 30 year-old comedian/actress/writer and most importantly, dirtyandthirty blogger! I am known for having way too much experience on the single life and making fun of myself.