How to make cat calling a fun time


How to make cat calling a fun time

If you’re a vagina owner and a repeated walking-down-a-street-at-any-given-time offender you are the potential subject for the never-ending ancient practice of catcalling. As a vagina owner and avid walker in NYC unfortunately I have fallen victim to many practicing cat callers and their oh-so-sensual derogative commentary. It makes me ponder quite often though, what is the appeal for the perpetrators of such random uncalled for outbursts? I can’t imagine anyone ever being successful in picking up women with cat calling. Like I know I don’t wet my own panties or anything when I hear “look at the titties on that one”. But it’s also like the perpetrators are indeed fully aware already how I am going to react. That yes, I will most likely be extremely uncomfortable and perform one or many of the following actions:

  1. Start awkwardly power walking
  2. Pretend to read my phone or take important call
  3. Just straight up stare at the ground

Is this activity super sexual to watch? Or am I missing something? Why would a girl pretending like you’re not even there ignite an uncontrollable passion within you where you can’t help but hold back the “hey baby girl, nice ass”. There MUST BE some other appeal, right? So in my quest to find out the allure of catcalling, and after months of research, I finally have made a breakthrough. Here is my prevailing conclusion:

It is empowering to make someone feel uncomfortable.

Therefore, I’m not calling an end to catcalling. I’m calling for a new beginning. Victims of catcalling, I’m summoning you for an uprising. Let’s beat the cat callers at their own game, take the power back, make them feel exceedingly more uncomfortable than we do. The fact that these abrasive onlookers find joy in yelling obscenities at unsuspecting victims does not anger me all that much anymore. More so, it inspires me. I look at it as complete freedom to be as inappropriate and absurd as they are. A challenge. A duel. Here are 10 ways of how to beat the system ladies, take the power back, outshine the cat caller at their own game.

Here are 10 ways on how to make catcalling into a fun time:

  1. Fart and dart. Next time you walk past a “lemme hit that” make sure you save a little extra gas after that chipotle from lunch. Hit em where it hurts – in the NOSE with hopefully silent fury, but then again a little noise could always heighten the uncomfortable blow.
  2. Aggressive phone calls. Those are always super uncomfortable. If you’re gonna fake a phone call might as well make it creative, right? Pretend to tell your mom you’re having your cousins baby and “you don’t care who knows it!” Or pretend to come clean to your boss that yes, you are indeed responsible for the office bathroom flooding because of your ongoing bowel problems.
  3. Embody an actual crazy person. This one is actually really liberating. Ever wanted to try that crazy dance move that you know is out of your physical range or make up your own language and see if someone can understand it? Here’s your chance. Release your inhibitions and don’t give a shit. It will give you a good laugh at work or something one day.
  4. Pretend like you recognize the cat caller. This one can be pretty risky but also very successful if the execution is right. There’s always the chance that the cat caller will willingly take on an identity in order to talk to you. But then again if you sincerely can voice “Anthony Weiner, don’t you have enough scandal in your life to deal with already!?” It most likely will leave the cat caller confused and speechless.
  5. Pretend to be an animal. Dogs are fun, or birds or sloths. I don’t know, pick your own poison. But I assure you your cat caller will be super uncomfortable if you really commit with both vocals and physicality.
  6. Sing over their comments. Loudly and obnoxiously. Singing is always fun, right? This is your one time stage where you don’t need that pressure of impressing your audience. Dream Girls “You’re Gonna Love Me” is my personal favorite, because it’s loud and ironic.
  7. Sound an alarming and irritating laugh. There’s nothing quite like this one. But you got to get your practice in. It’s not going to work if you half ass this. You absolutely, by no means, can exhibit cuteness. You must mimic a hyena crowing – whatever that means to you.
  8. Act like a horror character. Once again, I leave you with your own personal preference:  zombie, vampire, werewolf, a possessed little girl; whatever you think you can play to the fullest. Once again, commitment is key here. Don’t be your sexy self and say “I want to suck your blood.” It’s just not gonna work if you don’t put on a weird face and horrifying voice. The key is to lose all sex appeal.
  9. Scream your problems. This one is really therapeutic. Have a problem with your boss or significant other? Then let it all out at that cat caller. Scream your frustrations. Nothing’s more uncomfortable than getting yelled at: “WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GIVE TIMMY THAT PROMOTION!?” Or “I SAW YOU AT THE BAR WITH JENNIFER!”
  10. Just repeat everything they say. Nothing is more annoying and uncomfortable then someone repeating exactly what you say in a calm civilized tone, and it really does confuse them if you keep your cool. You gotta be careful with this one though. Coolness and word choice are key. You don’t want to mock a psychopath or tell a cat caller “I’m trying to bag”.


    Twitter: @klaragribetz

Klara Gribetz
Klara Gribetz is a writer and actress based out of New York just navigating her newfound womanhood after graduating college. She has a huge passion for storytelling and making people laugh at the oddities of life. When she's not writing for DirtyandThirty you can maybe find her hula hoop dancing at a concert, having a glass of wine with her mom, or performing improv at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. She has a youthful zest for life and will most likely sit your dog if you ask. She hopes you enjoy her inner thoughts that plague her everyday through her writing.
Twitter: @klaragribetz
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