CSI: Facebook


I cracked my first case at age 23. After going out with a guy I really liked almost a dozen times, he sat me down and told me he had to tell me something. “This is it,” I thought, “He’s gonna tell me he wants to be exclusive.” And he sure did, only he wanted to be exclusive with the OTHER girl he was dating, not yours truly. I tuned out for a few minutes following that bombshell, but I did gather one piece of information before I kicked him out of my house: “The girl” was currently OUT OF TOWN, which explained all the time he spent with me, calling, and texting.

After that, I did what every rational, 20-something woman did during those times. I went straight to my computer, deleted him from myspace, then checked his public page for clues. I had to find who I’d just lost out to. About 30 minutes later, I had my suspect. I had noticed previously, when stalking his myspace page, some back-and-forth banter with a big boobied butterface. Sure enough, the bitch was OUT.OF.TOWN. Case closed.

Six years later, I’m still practicing these skills and succeeding at it on Facebook. Frankly, I should be making money off of this. I can take a simple clue revealed during casual conversation with a guy about an ex such as where she worked/works, her first name, or where she’s from, and not only find her, but figure out when they broke up, who broke up with who, and if they’re still in communication. For those of you reading this who currently think I’m a sociopath, I’d like to point out that these skills also have their benefits. I have gone out with guys I wouldn’t have necessarily gone out with just because, after my extensive research routine, I found out their ex-girlfriends were really really pretty. (Ok, so maybe I’m a sociopath.) I have, however, also NOT gone out with guys because I’ve discovered their ex-girlfriends,
and I’m not up to date on my tetanus and hepatitis vaccines.

I can look at anyone’s Facebook page (male or female) and figure out who they are dating/hooking up with, and I’ve never been wrong. I’ve been stumped a couple of times due to lack of access to a page, but never wrong in my theories. Instagram has also made it easy to solve cases. I can literally see where and how someone’s relationship progressed through pictures.

I have always wondered if any men do this. Probably not, they are the lazier sex. The bottom line is, I am a woman. (A Latin woman, which makes me 11% crazier than a regular woman, but I restrict my crazy to the Internet.) We all do this. The good news is I will always use my powers for good. Not evil.

Follow me @luchanagatica
Luchana Gatica
I am a 30 year-old comedian/actress/writer and most importantly, dirtyandthirty blogger! I am known for having way too much experience on the single life and making fun of myself.

Leave your comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *