Confession: Mean-ish Jokes between my Husband and I

#TheStruggleIsRealHot Mom

I have never been a fan of the saying “if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.” For starters, it seems that there are extremely sexist undertones when telling a girl to just shut up and be nice to everyone, further perpetuating this view that women should be lady like, and good, and not have premarital sex, but then magically be a wondrous, cookie baking, toilet cleaning, super hot, non nagging, loves-to-clean-up-after-others, sex god as soon as she finds some schmuck to tie down.

Secondly, it just makes no sense, if I don’t have anything nice to say I really should just talk talk?!

No. Just no.

I have never been one to hold back my thoughts; now this isn’t to say that I have no censorship in certain settings, but in general if something makes sense to say, and isn’t so brutal that it will hurt or ruin a relationship, I feel absolutely comfortable — nay, obligated —  to speak the truth.

And this is how I met the love of my life. My husband has a similar characteristic, although he tends to hold back his sarcasm and overall destain for more private settings. When we first started dating and we discovered this beautiful commonality we began making bets on our friends’ and loved one’s relationships. Not limited to: their next rebound, whether or not one spouse would have an affair in 5 years, whether the wedding would ever actually happen, and of course, if they would get divorced. Many  of our bets are still pending. As this progressed, we soon started to have underlying comical relief at their expense, often times, to their face, without them realizing it.

Then, we had kids… and we started a whole new game with our children. Not only do we make fun of them behind their backs, we also make fun of them to their face. And it’s wonderful.

The wonderful thing about this entire charade, is no one ever knows we have bets on them, and no one knows that we spend time thinking up ways to laugh at our children.

A Game for All Ages

  1. We tell our kids that the dog, Cooper, is our favorite child. (This is real though, dogs really do make humans happier than anything else).
  2. We ate all of your Halloween candy.
  3. Give them terrible presents first. It really builds the anticipation up.
  4. When their blankie, or crappy stuffed animal finally is on its last limb, just tell them that the animal/blanket decided to move on to a new child. This is a sure way to teach them how to handle a breakup.
  5. I leave their dad at the store, and pretend like I’m not going back for him- that he’s gonna have to walk home.
  6. Create playlists of songs for them. This is particularly good when they are a little older, and you can play songs that are far below their age group. Then play the play list really loud as you pull up to the school.
  7. Shaming them via social media. It’s even better if you have created a profile for them, and can tag them. So they can forever see what you put up with.
  8. Tell their friends that they are grounded when they come over to play.
  9. Tell their friends that they have a new best friend when they call.
  10. Kids will believe everything- tell each individual child that they are the favorite.

This isn’t to say we don’t love and adore children, and that we won’t don’t do all the same soccer-mom parenting bullshit as all the other parents out there. We just have a good time doing it together. Are our children our comedic relief every single day? No, of course not. We have plenty of friends that we are cashing in our bets on their divorces, DUI’s, and marital counseling over gender specific household chores, that provide enough laughs for a lifetime.

Confession: Mean-ish Jokes between my Husband and I

Lauren Penrod
Lauren Penrod is from Boise Idaho, and is expecting come November. When she's not pregnant she really enjoys gin martinis, and skydiving.
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