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We’re not Facebook “friends” because I like you, we’re facebook “friends” so I can stalk you
by Melany Wynn Berger

This is so much more complicated than I thought” part deux

Yes! I woke up this morning and saw that my Facebook “friend” list was only at 1,069 people. I lost someone. Maybe it was “bad fashion”. I think it was. But didn’t she run away? Anyway, life goes on with one less Facebook “friend”. I will miss her and her 5 other personalities. I have spent all day thinking about how I can get one more friend to make up her spot. I feel such a sense of urgency to “make” a new friend! They are not the biggest shoes to fill with the only requirements being “bad fashion”, crazy, and can run. Maybe I need to drive to the Charlotte Russe or Jessica Simpson outlet and see if there are any psychos running next to their friend’s car. I would not even need to stop because one of their personalities would surely jump in mine. I would have to make room for the abundance of headbands, gold foiled skirts, snakeskin patterned pants worn by a Mick Jagger impersonator, and a ruffled dress from my friends Bat Mitzvah in 1985. I did see “bad fashion” typing in a 3 tiered, black and white ruffled dress from H&M in her first blog video post. (I can post pic). What am I going to do without her in my life? I need a crazy person to laugh at and run behind my car in case I stall.

After I cried (laughed) this morning, I went to get my hair done in Beverly Hills and found an immediate replacement. My hair salon caters to some of the most wealthy people in Beverly Hills with the BEST fashion sense. Alas, there was a better, updated version of “Bad Fashion” in the form of an ENORMOUS muscled man covered in tattoos of his dog, wearing a tie-died ripped tank shirt from 1985 (the same year as “bad fashion’s” Bat Mitzvah dress) walking a shaved red Pomeranian puppy (best accessory ever). He was perfect and even let me take a picture of his accessory. I am now Facebook “friends” with both “Muscley” Matt and his Pomeranian “Puffy” both of whom I will NEVER speak to or see ever again. But, I beat my all time score and am now at 1,071 friends on Facebook and feel so much better after losing “Bad Fashion” this morning.

I would have at least liked an explanation of why she de-friended me. What did I do?

There should be a button to 1) tell you who has de-friended you and 2) why. There should be a drop down menu giving you the following options when you de-friend:

a. He is an asshole.

b. She is a bitch.

c.  Just wanted to watch this person and see if her boyfriend/his girlfriend is “uglier” than mine and they are not.

d. He/she sucks in bed.

e. Just wanted to see what their kids look like compared to my own.

f. This person posts too many things about their annoyingly, pretend, fake, happy life for me to waste my time and read.

I wonder what option would come up the most from my “de-frienders”? Just come out and say you don’t like me rather than me finding out from the change in my Facebook “friend” number. Tell me you hate my infatuation with 80’s hair bands and do not like the rock n’ roll I listen to all day long that pops up on your Spotify saying “Melany is listening to Shinedown”. Your lack of pressing the “Like” button speaks volumes.

Facebook is such a weird and addicting phenomenon. I am totally addicted to the voyeuristic aspect of it. Isn’t that what it is? Looking at your “friends” and seeing how great their life is and what fantastic experiences they are having? In the beginning, I thought it was amazing to be able to keep in touch with long lost people from my past and new people in my future (which in most cases after I meet at a bar or hair salon and will never talk to ever again, but can stalk via Facebook).

Now, my timeline is complete with lame pictures of really red strawberries, super orange oranges, and photos of blurry, dark concerts with bands that have not released a hit single since 1965 (I may be guilty of this). The check-ins to freeways, overpasses, underneath bridges, cemeteries and doghouses, is information I can live without. Please don’t tell me about the weather because I know a great weatherman, am familiar with weather.com and can see for myself if I step outside. I beg you, please do not post (what you think are artistic) photographs of your mother’s black gloves, in the rain, underneath a tree, on a mountain, in green grass with a feather of a bird you once owned when you were ten years old. If you are going to an event, or not going to an event where massive amounts of people are invited, your comment is not really requested and we don’t need to know that you are working late that night or wish you could attend but are babysitting and have to pick your nose. Lastly, please don’t post pictures of shaved Pomeranians named fluffy.

From all of these ridiculous posts and pictures, Facebook has become a bit of a pissing contest. It gives you the power to win between “friends” with just a simple check-in, post, or picture from some exotic land. Well, I want to win the pissing contest too! People always tell me that they follow me on Facebook and that they are jealous because I travel so much or get to go to the best shows. But, do they really know me? Or are they just in fact Facebook “friends”? I commonly ask myself while browsing my Facebook timeline (that still sucks by the way and takes forever to load on the phone) why would my friend post this or why can’t I be in the South of France too? But, thanks to Mark Zuckerberg (I bought Facebook stock, didn’t you?) we can all be jealous of one another via Facebook and never use a phone or in person meetings to communicate ever again! We can just check in, post pictures, update and add and de-friend Facebook “friends”. In this case, I agree with my mom, the advent of the internet and all this social media (yes, I realize I am writing this on my blog which I will indeed post/piss to the world on Facebook) has hurt our friendships and relationships.

Melany’s Guydline # 2 – Facebook “friends” are not necessarily your real friends.

 
 
 
MELANY WYNN BERGER
Melany’s Guydlines – (the bible) http://melanysguydlines.com/ 
Follow me: (only if you are sane) @Melanyb12
Like me (I do) https://www.facebook/melanysguydlines.com
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4 Responses to We’re not Facebook “friends” because I like you, we’re facebook “friends” so I can stalk you

  1. Erin says:

    Ahhhhh…..so true so true!!!

  2. Esther B says:

    I think I am going to have to check my so called ” friends “!!! How true. How true. Just nobody admits to it.

  3. Bob says:

    Wow! Should I think about all the exes that are my friends. How funny is that?
    Melany, you are so right on.

  4. miguel nolasco says:

    Melany , you are”spot on” about FACEB00K . L0L You must know thats the REAL REASON everyone is here is to do all that is stated above.. You are such a NICE AND DEAR PERSON. I HEART U !!

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