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Confession: I’m Scared of My Dirty Thirty
by Luchana Gatica

In 161 days, I will officially be 30… If I don’t kill myself first.

Yeah, I know. A lot of people reading this are older than me and I’m an asshole, but I happen to be going through a quarter-life crisis, so just bear with me.

I have always been okay with my age and my birthday is my favorite day of the year and always has been. (See my facebook albums.) I have also always been the youngest of all my friends and have watched them all turn 30 and become even more awesome and beautiful than they ever were. They say “life begins at 30.” They say sex, at least for women, gets SO much better. How? I need more information. I already have a higher sex-drive than every guy I’ve been with. (Except one or two, who I’m convinced should be attending meetings with Eric Benet and David Duchovny.) So why is this the first birthday I have dreaded in my entire life? I guess it’s because I have severe abandonment issues and fear that I am abandoning my 20’s, or rather, they are abandoning ME. My 20’s were spent living it up to the fullest, building relationships with the people who I will grow old with, making mistakes and learning from them, finding myself, loving myself, all that shit, etc., etc. Now what? Do people expect different things from me? Am I supposed to give a shit? Should I freeze my eggs? Will my car insurance go up?!!!

So many questions.

 

Luckily, I stumbled upon a recent article in GLAMOUR MAGAZINE that read:

30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She’s 30.

If this article is accurate, I may have a lot of work to do in the next 161 days.

 

(Here’s what it says)

 

By 30, you should have:

 

1.) One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you how far you’ve come. * That’s a definite “NO,” considering I’ve had 2 boyfriends in my entire life and they (along with 87% of the guys I’ve dated casually) both fall into the second category.

2.) A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family. *YES! I bought my entire bedroom set myself, and it’s actually nice. Too bad nobody gets to see it… Ever.

3.) Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour. *YES! I guess Steven Spielberg or someone of that caliber would be the employer of my dreams, so yes. And I’ve already met the man of my dreams. I’ve been ready to see him in an hour’s notice for almost a year.

4.) A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying. *YES! I have lots of purses. My roommate and I share our suitcases, and I’m not ashamed to carry any of them. It’s kind of a different story for him. One of them is bright pink and he’s taken it out of town before. (He’s gay, though.) I also have a good umbrella that I stole from a bar. That counts, right?

5.) A youth you’re content to move beyond. *I’m working on it, but yes… For the most part.

6.) A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age. *YOU. FUCKING. BET. Let’s just say that when I become famous, there will be a lot of tabloid stories sold from my past. Most of them will be true. All of them will be awesome. NO REGRETS!

7.) The realization that you are actually going to HAVE an old age- and some money set aside to help fund it. *Uh, next question, please.

8.) An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account-all of which nobody has access to but you. *Yes, I have all those things. I know I’m Hispanic, but jeeeeez…

9.) A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded. *HAHAHAHAHA! I’m an actress.

10.) One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry. *I have so many of both. That’s is what’s is most awesome about my life :-)

11.) A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra. *I have 28 black lace bras and I use hard objects to nail things into my wall because I don’t even own a hammer. That’s what boys are for… To nail things into my wall. HEYO!

12.) Something ridiculously expensive you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it. *My TV, my computer, my camera… Everything I own.

13.) The belief that you deserve it. *Yes, for the first time in my life. I actually do and I have no doubt I will get it.

14.) A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few facets of life that don’t get better after 30. *Yes. And this is why 30 scares me. But then there are people like J-LO who make me hopeful again.

15.) A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that DO get better. *Yes. Not at all. Maybe?

 

By 30, you should know:

 

1.) How to fall in love without losing yourself. *This is what I’ve been working on for the past 7 years of my single life. I think I figured it out.

2.) How you feel about having kids. *Ummm, the same way Angelina Jolie does. I want 25 of them in all colors, shapes, and sizes. My shit is TICK. ING.

3.) How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship. *I can do all three… If the friend in question isn’t a lunatic.

4.) When to try harder and when to walk away. *I don’t walk away without victory. Try me. I dare you.

5.) How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next. *I only know how to kiss one way and it usually gets me in trouble.

6.) The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.*Nope. Nope. And any Mexican will do.

7.) How to live alone, even if you don’t like to. *I’m blessed with the perfect living situation. Except for the 72 days a year when I have leftovers in the fridge for my roommate to eat without my permission. Other than that, I pretty much live alone.

8.) Where to go-be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat- when your soul needs soothing. *Yes. Crunch to take one of the many classes that keeps me sane and lets me take out my frustrations, or The Hudson for Happy Hour and Jalapeno Mac and Cheese. Or both. In that order.

9.) That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents. *Yes, thanks to the trend in bright colored skinny jeans, and skinny jeans in general, I know that I’m capable of looking like the Kool-Aid man. And I’m okay with that. As for my parents, I’ve given up.

10.) That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over. *I’m grateful to have been a fat kid. Fat kids make the best adults. I stand by that statement.

11.) What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love. *Even Meatloaf had his limits, but I will be honest, if I knew it was going to take this long to make something of myself, I would have taken a Sugar Daddy a LOOOOONG time ago. (Don’t judge me.) And P.S., I will land on Mars for someone that I love. Someone beat me to it? Fuck.

12.) That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long. *I’m only doing one of those, so I’m safe, right?

13.) Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally. *I’ve never been one to take things personally. You can’t offend me. Even in the bedroom.

14.) Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault. *I learned this about 5 ½ years ago when my friend Tiffany left her brother’s birthday Sprinkles cupcakes at my house overnight. She knew what I was capable of.

15.) Why they say life begins at 30! *No, I don’t know! Somebody tell me! Am I going to start spontaneously orgasming?! That’s really all I want to know.

 

According to my calculations, I’ve scored somewhere between a B+ and C- on turning 30. Nonetheless, I’m looking forward a new beginning, and a double Quinceanera birthday party. Yes, I’ve started planning my birthday party. It’s all I have to look forward to right now. There will be dancing and pinatas. If you “like” this blog, you will get an invitation. Save the date.

"Is taking a picture in a shopping cart at a Costco in Cabo, San Lucas on any list?!"

 

 

 

 
 
LUCHANA GATICA
www.luchanasvidaloca.blogspot.com
Follow me @luchanagatica

Luchana Gatica

I am a 30 year-old comedian/actress/writer and most importantly, dirtyandthirty blogger! I am known for having way too much experience on the single life and making fun of myself.

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7 Responses to Confession: I’m Scared of My Dirty Thirty

  1. I look at it like this, lots of things get better with age, like a fine wine. I already had a couple of midlife crises before I moved out to Los Angeles. Yes, I have red sports car that sits in my garage, it does not run but it is there. The best thing I realized about living in Los Angeles is that the sense of time is different. When I came home this time, just about all my friends were getting married and having kids. I barely know anybody that is married and has kids in LA. That’s when I realized Los Angeles is in a bit of a time warp, and I realized that it is a blessing in disguise. It helps to slow down the bad parts of aging. The weather helps a lot, outside of the month of June you don’t get a whole lot of grey gloomy days. It helps to keep things positive, even if you have a crappy day, at least its sunny outside, you go run or go for a walk and actually do something healthy to make yourself feel better. I look at the glass as being half-full, I know working in the entertainment business is unconventional by nature, the greatest thing I have learned working in this business is patience, I have ADD/ADHD and did not know until I got out of college, I was the classic kid that could not sit still. The only thing that drained me enough so I could sleep at night was swimming five to seven thousand yards a day. Even if I get stuck on the 405 at rush hour, I can sit and watch the sun set. So its all about picking and choosing your battles, and most importantly, you can’t use a linear metric to evaluate progress in our field. Its not the 400IM, there is no timing and scoring system to give you hard objective numbers. So you can’t completely objectively compare yourself to other people. You what you do is you just take it one day at a time and do the best you can every day.

  2. Jennifer says:

    Luchana – I know exactly how you feel! I just made the leap to 30 last week, and for years I dreaded it. It’s probably because 30 seems like you should be a “grown up” and everything in life gets serious. I’m here to tell you that is NOT the case! I’m going into my 30s with the attitude that everything (life, love, sex, friendships, career – ALL of it) will be even better. And by the way, I purchased that Glamour book and it’s serving as my Bible right now. You are only as old as you feel, and lucky for me I still feel 25 (even though I’ve been told I could pass for 23 several times these last few months – BOOYAH!). So plan that fabulous birthday, and have the time of your life because it only gets better. And who knows, in 161 days the man of your dreams may have spilled his undying love for you while mentioning he wants to start on those 25 kids. It could happen =)

  3. Kara says:

    I don’t take that list LITERALLY. I am a fan (see my blog post 30 Things). But I feel that it is to INSPIRE us to continue progressing toward who we really are, absorbing life’s lessons, and even tweaking that list a bit. It also encourages us to take stock of what we’ve accomplished thus far, determine what is most important to US, and be proud of the small steps we HAVE taken toward our 30’s enlightenment.
    I am with you, I am not where I thought I’d be at 30. No husband, no kids. But then again, no EX-husband, no kids I’m raising on my own and/or with intermittent child support. Someday I’ll look back and think, I’m a genius! I WAITED for Mr. Right, the Dream Career, to find Myself (even if that’s only partially true – I fumbled through dating and failed relationships, I hung onto a “safe” and “comfortable” job rather that pursuing my dreams b/c I was scared, and I fuck up every day, only to get back up, dust myself off, and try again at creating the best version of myself).
    I have 279 days until the big 3-0. I’m right behind you. :)

  4. Amy says:

    I’m over a year away from my dirty 30 and I’m already scared…! I feel ya girl.

  5. Pingback: Hitting 30 – By Heather Porter, author of BodyBack | Dirty And Thirty

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