In 161 days, I will officially be 30… If I don’t kill myself first.
Yeah, I know. A lot of people reading this are older than me and I’m an asshole, but I happen to be going through a quarter-life crisis, so just bear with me.
I have always been okay with my age and my birthday is my favorite day of the year and always has been. (See my facebook albums.) I have also always been the youngest of all my friends and have watched them all turn 30 and become even more awesome and beautiful than they ever were. They say “life begins at 30.” They say sex, at least for women, gets SO much better. How? I need more information. I already have a higher sex-drive than every guy I’ve been with. (Except one or two, who I’m convinced should be attending meetings with Eric Benet and David Duchovny.) So why is this the first birthday I have dreaded in my entire life? I guess it’s because I have severe abandonment issues and fear that I am abandoning my 20’s, or rather, they are abandoning ME. My 20’s were spent living it up to the fullest, building relationships with the people who I will grow old with, making mistakes and learning from them, finding myself, loving myself, all that shit, etc., etc. Now what? Do people expect different things from me? Am I supposed to give a shit? Should I freeze my eggs? Will my car insurance go up?!!!
So many questions.
Luckily, I stumbled upon a recent article in GLAMOUR MAGAZINE that read:
If this article is accurate, I may have a lot of work to do in the next 161 days.
(Here’s what it says)
By 30, you should have:
1.) One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you how far you’ve come. * That’s a definite “NO,” considering I’ve had 2 boyfriends in my entire life and they (along with 87% of the guys I’ve dated casually) both fall into the second category.
2.) A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family. *YES! I bought my entire bedroom set myself, and it’s actually nice. Too bad nobody gets to see it… Ever.
3.) Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour. *YES! I guess Steven Spielberg or someone of that caliber would be the employer of my dreams, so yes. And I’ve already met the man of my dreams. I’ve been ready to see him in an hour’s notice for almost a year.
4.) A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying. *YES! I have lots of purses. My roommate and I share our suitcases, and I’m not ashamed to carry any of them. It’s kind of a different story for him. One of them is bright pink and he’s taken it out of town before. (He’s gay, though.) I also have a good umbrella that I stole from a bar. That counts, right?
5.) A youth you’re content to move beyond. *I’m working on it, but yes… For the most part.
6.) A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age. *YOU. FUCKING. BET. Let’s just say that when I become famous, there will be a lot of tabloid stories sold from my past. Most of them will be true. All of them will be awesome. NO REGRETS!
7.) The realization that you are actually going to HAVE an old age- and some money set aside to help fund it. *Uh, next question, please.
8.) An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account-all of which nobody has access to but you. *Yes, I have all those things. I know I’m Hispanic, but jeeeeez…
9.) A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded. *HAHAHAHAHA! I’m an actress.
10.) One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry. *I have so many of both. That’s is what’s is most awesome about my life
11.) A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra. *I have 28 black lace bras and I use hard objects to nail things into my wall because I don’t even own a hammer. That’s what boys are for… To nail things into my wall. HEYO!
12.) Something ridiculously expensive you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it. *My TV, my computer, my camera… Everything I own.
13.) The belief that you deserve it. *Yes, for the first time in my life. I actually do and I have no doubt I will get it.
14.) A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few facets of life that don’t get better after 30. *Yes. And this is why 30 scares me. But then there are people like J-LO who make me hopeful again.
15.) A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that DO get better. *Yes. Not at all. Maybe?
By 30, you should know:
1.) How to fall in love without losing yourself. *This is what I’ve been working on for the past 7 years of my single life. I think I figured it out.
2.) How you feel about having kids. *Ummm, the same way Angelina Jolie does. I want 25 of them in all colors, shapes, and sizes. My shit is TICK. ING.
3.) How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship. *I can do all three… If the friend in question isn’t a lunatic.
4.) When to try harder and when to walk away. *I don’t walk away without victory. Try me. I dare you.
5.) How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next. *I only know how to kiss one way and it usually gets me in trouble.
6.) The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.*Nope. Nope. And any Mexican will do.
7.) How to live alone, even if you don’t like to. *I’m blessed with the perfect living situation. Except for the 72 days a year when I have leftovers in the fridge for my roommate to eat without my permission. Other than that, I pretty much live alone.
8.) Where to go-be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat- when your soul needs soothing. *Yes. Crunch to take one of the many classes that keeps me sane and lets me take out my frustrations, or The Hudson for Happy Hour and Jalapeno Mac and Cheese. Or both. In that order.
9.) That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents. *Yes, thanks to the trend in bright colored skinny jeans, and skinny jeans in general, I know that I’m capable of looking like the Kool-Aid man. And I’m okay with that. As for my parents, I’ve given up.
10.) That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over. *I’m grateful to have been a fat kid. Fat kids make the best adults. I stand by that statement.
11.) What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love. *Even Meatloaf had his limits, but I will be honest, if I knew it was going to take this long to make something of myself, I would have taken a Sugar Daddy a LOOOOONG time ago. (Don’t judge me.) And P.S., I will land on Mars for someone that I love. Someone beat me to it? Fuck.
12.) That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long. *I’m only doing one of those, so I’m safe, right?
13.) Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally. *I’ve never been one to take things personally. You can’t offend me. Even in the bedroom.
14.) Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault. *I learned this about 5 ½ years ago when my friend Tiffany left her brother’s birthday Sprinkles cupcakes at my house overnight. She knew what I was capable of.
15.) Why they say life begins at 30! *No, I don’t know! Somebody tell me! Am I going to start spontaneously orgasming?! That’s really all I want to know.
According to my calculations, I’ve scored somewhere between a B+ and C- on turning 30. Nonetheless, I’m looking forward a new beginning, and a double Quinceanera birthday party. Yes, I’ve started planning my birthday party. It’s all I have to look forward to right now. There will be dancing and pinatas. If you “like” this blog, you will get an invitation. Save the date.
LUCHANA GATICA www.luchanasvidaloca.blogspot.com Follow me @luchanagatica
I am a 30 year-old comedian/actress/writer and most importantly, dirtyandthirty blogger! I am known for having way too much experience on the single life and making fun of myself.