I’m definitely guilty of this. I am fairly certain that I have spent the last (almost) year trying to be “perfect.” Which, to me, means being as unaffected as possible by the break up I endured in my late 20’s. I have felt “over it” for the better part of 6 months, which actually surprises me. I am convinced that I am over him, but perhaps I am not quite over the relationship itself – the loss, the feelings of worthlessness that go hand in hand with being dumped, yet again. But maybe I have been trying to handle the whole situation like a dude. I have stifled feelings of sadness, pain, anger, etc all to appear as though I’ve “got it together.” Like a dude. But maybe I’m paying for this now, as my feminine in me has begun to emerge. How so? Here we go.
I’ve been crying uncontrollably, and involuntarily, very recently. This is unlike me. If tears well up, I can usually contain them, or limit the “break down” to a few short minutes. I couldn’t tell you how many people asked me at work last weekend if I was “alright.” After so many inquiries, the flood gates were opened. I couldn’t pinpoint what exactly was wrong (and I’m still not quite sure). All I knew was that I needed to cry at the most inopportune time possible – at work when I still had 5+ hours to endure. I had someone offer to stay and close for me, but (possibly part of the break down cause) I could not afford to leave work early. This is the furthest thing from having it “together” or acting like a dude I can imagine. Could it be my inner feminine fighting to come out, to be exposed?
I’m not saying in order to be feminine we have to be break down. I’m trying to say that I have been hiding my hurt, my pain for far too long. It’s ok to feel hurt, pain, sadness. Just as it’s ok to feel anger, bitterness, rage. We just don’t want to let these feelings consume us to the point that we never feel joy, appreciation, gratitude, happiness.
I’m also acting like a dude because I give off the vibe (and even say the words out loud) that I don’t need a man, I just want a partner. I don’t need someone to support me, take care of me, I just want someone to walk beside me. Which is true, and all well and good. I’m not saying we all have to be helpless, damsels in distress. Just that it’s ok to need and ask for help. I am fond of the quote that goes something like this, “Don’t be the kind of woman that needs a man; be the kind of woman a man needs.” It’s possible I’ve taken this too literally, or at the very least, taken it the wrong way. Of course, I’ve had many moments of happiness without a man. It’s healthy to find happiness in all sorts of situations, people, and experiences.
For me, this practice of being less like a dude has begun with becoming vulnerable. I’ve never been much of a “game player,” but if need be, I can play the game very well. I know when to back off, when to appear aloof, how to detach emotions. But this is not the kind of woman I want to be. I prefer honesty over game playing. So, I did just that. I confessed my feelings to the boy of my dreams. It didn’t go quite as I’d hoped, but I felt a sense of relief and…peace. Even pride. I did it. I regret a LOT of decisions and actions in my past, but I didn’t want this to be one of them. I wanted him to know how I felt. Stop holding the words back. And that is one thing I don’t regret.
I’m practicing getting in touch with my inner Feminine. Learning to feel my emotions, but not let them eat me alive. Learning to love myself (which, if you ask me, is the toughest challenge in all of this). How much of a dude are you? I can learn to be a strong woman, and less of a dude. Let’s embrace our she-ness, ladies!