WHY YOU’RE NOT MARRIED YET – CHAPTER 3: YOU’RE A SLUT

Love

Why You’re not married yet- Chapter 3: You’re a Slut

If I’m being honest, this is the chapter I’ve most been dreading.  Oh, Tracy, your words are wise.  In case you’re just joining the party, Tracy McMillan’s book “Why You’re Not Married Yet” leads us through typical mistakes women make when deep down they really want what we all want – to get married, have babies, and live happily ever after.

The number one piece of advice I take away from this chapter is to stop dealing with unavailable men.  They don’t have to be taken or married.  They can be so focused on their careers, that you’re second priority.  Or encouraging a casual, “friends with benefits” type relationship from you.  Or, perhaps, they’re even committed to you, but things aren’t moving forward.  They’re never going to marry you.

What are we really going for here, anyway?  We want a committed, fulfilling relationship, but we’re settling for someone wanting pieces of us and our time.  I’ve been confused as to why I haven’t been getting what I want – a healthy, committed relationship.  But who can I blame when I’ve settled for a “friends with benefits” situation or stuck with a relationship that isn’t working far longer than its expiration date?  Nobody but me!

You cannot force others to respect you, but you CAN stand up for yourself and respect YOURSELF.  If I’ve learned nothing else in the last six months, I’ve discovered that I will no longer settle for something that doesn’t “feel” right.  I won’t accept dates with someone I’m not excited about for a date’s sake, I won’t stay in a relationship where I am aware the guy “just isn’t into me,” and I will no longer give myself just to please a guy.  My happiness takes priority.  And if it makes me feel bad, I will no longer do it.

I believe, what McMillan is trying to say, is that when we’re not serving ourselves, we’re not getting what we truly WANT – that happy ending.  Sounds kind of selfish, but hear me out.  I’ve been getting clear on what I really want in life.  And taking a cold, hard look at how my actions have led me to where I am – not getting what I want.  How is a “friends with benefits” relationship serving me?  Well, it just isn’t.  As McMillan says, “men don’t fall in love through their peens.”  “Casual” situations simply don’t exist.  If you believe you’re capable of this, congrats.  I’m not judging.  I’m just saying, I’ve been there, and it doesn’t work for ME.  We women experience chemicals such as oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin which “bond” us to a man.  I want to be more aware of who I’m bonding myself to, and adjust accordingly.

It sucks.  And the best solution I have for avoiding continuing any kind of behavior that doesn’t make me feel GOOD about myself is to take myself out of the equation.  Avoid those situations, people.  I’d be a lot prouder of myself if I could simply resist the temptation when it is presented, face to face, but there’s no shame in admitting I’m not strong enough yet.  I’ll get there.  And when I do, I’ll have much more respect for myself for not continually making decisions that leave me alone and crying afterwards.

I want to fill MYSELF up with respect and happiness.  Isn’t this the key to our happiness, anyway?  What do we have to offer if we aren’t happy with ourselves?  I’m tired of dooming myself to unhealthy and failed relationships.  So, I’m trying something different.  Wish me luck.

Close
Close

Kara

Each day, I'm one step closer to becoming the best-version-of-myself. I'm learning to fight for what's best for me, expect to get back the love I put out, and fall in love with myself first. 2013 is going to be my year - turning 30 is just the beginning.

Similar posts

1 Comment

  1. Wise words. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said to my girlfriends “You are the one who sets the bar for how you are treated… No one else…” That said, just about anything (even FWB or Casual FB’s) can be fun and exciting – for a time… it really is up to the individual and what they are looking for in that period of their life. If you really do want to get married, have kids and live happily ever after – well, I suggest to first get happy on your own… be happy to stay that way, then you’ll be in a position to be selective of the right guy… and happy with him!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*