I love being single. I also love love. It’s a problem, I guess, except that I’ve decided I’m going to stop settling. So far this has led to a whole lot of singlehood, so I suppose that my determination to wait for what I deserve is making my choices simpler. It can get a little depressing, feeling like I’m doing really well but no one else sees or appreciates it. I know that what matters is that I like myself, but it sure feels nice when someone else does too.
I miss certain things about relationships, like physical gestures of affection and being silly with someone who knows me intimately. I miss cuddling and kisses and sweet little gestures that let you know someone cares. On the other hand, I don’t miss all the drama and stress that comes with taking on another person’s issues and emotions. I have plenty of those to deal with on my own.
I know that this is partially because I haven’t been in the right relationships or I haven’t been able to participate healthily on my end. I have a lot of work to do if I want to find the relationship I hope for. I have a lot of growing and learning to do still, and I’m sure that will continue.
I’m determined not to have to be the aggressor yet again. All that has brought me is passive men who are emotionally stunted and have no idea how to engage in an adult partnership. Yes, I’m a strong woman with a fiercely independent streak – but I need someone who is excited by it, not intimidated. What am I gonna do with a doormat? Walk all over him, that’s what. That’s not fun for him or me.
I’m working towards being in a place where I’m truly happy being alone, where I don’t feel sad or invisible because no one is paying attention to me. It’s just been such a long while since a man showed genuine interest. Sometimes it can be hard not to take that personally, no matter how well I’m doing.
I know that I can get there. I’ve always preferred being alone, doing things alone, traveling alone…I’m okay being by myself a lot of the time. Yes, I love people and engaging and connecting, but I only have so much energy. I am perfectly okay with the freedom of being by myself as well. I don’t have to compromise or sacrifice or do anything I don’t want to do. It’s pretty wonderful, really.
I hope that I find someone that I can walk alongside as an equal, who I don’t need but instead choose to want, who challenges me whilst still loving me as I am. I do want that, when I’m ready. I’m so petrified of falling back into bad old habits of neediness and codependency that I feel stronger alone. I hope that changes. If it doesn’t, I hope that I can be okay with that as well.
I won’t settle anymore. I just won’t do it. I want a strong man who chooses me and lets me know it. I want someone who isn’t afraid to be vulnerable but who doesn’t fall apart when the going gets rough. I want someone who communicates with me as openly and naturally as can be. I want big love. I believe it’s still out there somewhere. I refuse to give up on that dream. If I can’t have it, I don’t want anything.