Last night, I found myself aching to watch some old episodes of Sex and the City, which tends to happen to this girl from time to time as I like to live vicariously through Carrie Bradshaw. So I randomly grabbed a disk from the collection and found myself tuned in to watch the episode “The Perfect Present” in which Carrie and Berger are dating and Berger begins to slowly reveal information about his ex-girlfriend. This particular episode really hits home for me because Carrie has a similar reaction to hearing about Berger’s ex as I generally do in relationships; she doesn’t want to know. Furthermore, she ponders why it’s necessary to bring up exes in new relationships.
Charlotte: “Carrie, you have to know where he’s been so you know what you’re getting.”
Samantha: “As long as what you get doesn’t itch, I say you’re fine.”
Now, I will admit firsthand, jealousy issues and thinking about partners’ exes have always been problems for me. As much as I am embarrassed to admit this, I think it might be due to the fact that I’m extremely competitive in life and with my achievements. I get a strange sense of satisfaction knowing that he loves me “more than anyone before” and I bask in the fact that parents think I’m wonderful. I know that’s extremely egotistical, so go ahead and judge me, I deserve it.
Sadly, my current relationship has been more of a struggle for me than ever regarding this issue because he was with someone for over 6 years. Think about it, 6 years is a long time to spend with someone when you’re only 30 years old. That’s over 1/5 of his life spent with someone else, creating memories and pretty much making a life together. Now that it has ended, and I don’t know many of the details, I often find myself wondering what exactly happened. Does he still think about her? Does he have regrets? Do I ever remind him of her? Did he want to marry her? What did he love about her? It’s the worst when my mind starts to wonder about their sex life. Good lord, what’s wrong with me? All of these questions are really things that a secure woman should never even think about and really though, I don’t think I want to know. I’d like to hear as little about her as possible, move on from it and be able to just create “our” life now. However, in the back of my head, there’s always that reminder that he spent a significant part of his past with someone else.
I’ve tried to keep my issues on the “DL” because I know these thoughts are all irrational and stupid. Is this all just insecurity on my part? Irrational jealousy for some reason? I don’t get why I do this, especially when my own past has never been a problem. I mean, I’m a dating blogger who rarely (if ever) even brings up my own exes because I have moved on. So why am I stuck in someone else’s past? For someone who spends a good majority of her life giving dating advice, I should have it all together, right? But then again, it took Carrie Bradshaw over 40 years to figure out her man problems and she’s an icon many, many women look up to.
So this time, I need the advice. How do you deal with jealousy? Does this kind of thing bother you? What is YOUR advice? Let me know in the comments or message/e-mail me at the links below!