“You know that nobody understands why you’re single, right?” said Eugene*, one of my VERY BEST male friends who met me on the cusp of becoming single.
(*That is his actual name. I’m not protecting his identity because, while I love him, I don’t give a shit.)
This week marks the 7th anniversary of my single life. People don’t seem to understand why I’m single. There are many theories and suspicions, but none have been proven as of yet. And every time I go get a hair cut, facial, bikini wax, etc., it’s the question I dread, because I have been going to these people a few times a year for all these years (I’m very loyal) and I know they’re going to ask: “Soooooooo?! Are you dating anyone?” And the answer has always been the same, for the most part. The look of disappointment on their faces is enough to make me want to start making things up, but that’s just not in my nature.
So why am I still single?
I’m not going to sit here and say I’m the best thing that ever happened to anyone, but a few people think I’m pretty awesome. (Those people are very smart, and will be handsomely rewarded after my first big box office hit.) But seriously, I take care of my health, my mind, my body, and my vagina. I am fun, funny, independent, and I believe men deserve blow jobs on a regular basis. And in case you’re not sold yet, I donate a lot of my time and blood to The Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles, as well as to many other charitable causes.
I am also the product of two of the most unfortunate examples of relationships in history. I love my parents and accept them for who they are, but both have been married and divorced three times. If you don’t think that does a number on how you view people, relationships, and marriage, then you are sorely mistaken. I believe in marriage and I believe in divorce. The only thing I don’t believe in is being unhappy.
I’ve had two serious, monogamous relationships in my life. One was young love that we both thought would end in marriage.The other was my first adult relationship that HE thought would end in marriage. The latter was a wonderful relationship with a man who truly adored me to a point that I was scared no one would ever love me as much as he did. While I made my share of mistakes with him, I also learned about life, love, trust, and partnership from him. After almost three years and things moving closer to the next step, I had to make a choice. I could stay and be comfortable with a man who wanted nothing more than to be with me at 22 years old and (probably) be divorced three years later, or I could go do what I knew I needed to do: LIVE MY LIFE.
I needed to go make mistakes and learn from them to avoid ending up like my parents. I needed to fall in lust, fall in love, get my heart broken, have a one-night-stand, do the ‘Walk-of-Shame’, walk into The Pleasure Chest without feeling ashamed, date a guy who wore VERY deep V neck t-shirts, travel the world, and most importantly… Pursue my dreams to the fullest. I’m proud to report that I’ve done all of that and more.
People in relationships (and people in general) sometimes feel sorry for people who are single., I know first hand. I’m here to tell everyone that there is nothing and no one to feel sorry for. Yes, single life REALLY sucks sometimes. Sometimes, (not often… I’m slightly claustrophobic) I want to cuddle. Sometimes, I want to have sex at 2:30 pm on a Monday afternoon. (Every guy thinks that is a feasible request for a single woman, I’m here to tell you it is not.) Did I think I’d be in a serious relationship by now and/or married with kids? Yes. Have I had nights where I cry myself to sleep because I’m lonely and I don’t understand why I’m still single? Yes. Do I sometimes worry that I’m going to die surrounded by cats that are going to eat my lonely, rotting carcass? No, because I fucking hate cats, and I have wonderful people in my life who would be concerned that I haven’t status-updated in days and would check on me before that happened.
Do I want to get married and have children? You bet. But I don’t regret one single second of my single life, and I never will. I didn’t start actually living until then. I’ve been with guys who didn’t appreciate what I had to offer, and guys who made me realize just HOW MUCH I had to offer when I forgot. I can say that I have literally been there and done that. ALL OF THAT. Enough to recognize when something is SOMETHING. I know what I want and what I don’t. And until something comes along, I’m not worried or sad or ashamed. I have lived, loved, and learned from my experiences as well as my friends’. I am enough for me, and if all else fails, I still will be. Not many people can say that. Also, I live with a gay man who, A.) Will be “Common-Law” married to me in December, whether he likes it or not, and B.) Is finally warming up to the idea of adopting a child together, if nothing else goes as planned. (Should be interesting, since we can’t afford to adopt a dog at this point.)
If you are still reading this, thank you for reading my longest and most honest blog to date. Let’s get a drink sometime.
This is what single for 7 years looks like.
I am a 30 year-old comedian/actress/writer and most importantly, dirtyandthirty blogger! I am known for having way too much experience on the single life and making fun of myself.