There is a whole new set of bizarre dating terms for singletons and lovebirds to wrap their head around in time for the lockdown. Are you kittenfishing, or even being Greta Thunberged? Well, some of these terms will leave you gasping for air with a belly laugh, while others you will desperately wish you could unlearn.
Yesterday my sweet old workmate Ava (the smartest woman who knows everything about online dating) mentioned something like, “Ugh, I think my Tinder date is cookie jarring me.” I made a quick excuse and hung up the phone. She had made me look dumb before every time we talk about online dating, and today, enough was enough. I opened my browser and desperately searched for trendy online dating terms, and here is what I found. From Kittenfishing to stashing, let’s find out if you’ve been bird boxing.
What on earth does the post-apocalyptic movie Birdbox have to do with online dating? Well, much like the film where Sandra navigates life blindfolded trying to survive; bird boxing refers to that person who is blind to how useless and rubbish the person they are dating is. Last summer, I matched with a sweet, charming, and physically strong guy. He took me off my feet and made the feminism in me weak.
But after introducing him to Ava, she had otherwise to say. “He’s a f**kboy, and a sly d**khead after your honey pot, nothing else!” I felt terrible, he was a genius, and nothing he did was wrong. After a month of heaven-sent romance, I noticed he had numerous girls lined up. Endless notification kept bursting in from Tinder, OkCupid, EliteSingles…you name it. It was time to call it quits, and you better watch out for him out there, girls.
Much like the name itself, a zombie is an invisible man who enjoys a dip from your honey pot and then disappears for two weeks only to hit you up like, ” Hey girl, my ball’s been in the freezer long enough, mind warming them up?” My girl, tell him to microwave them, it’s much efficient and saves you the emotional distress and haunting questions that have been lingering on your mind since he went silent.
A zombie is a person that has Jesus-like capabilities to disappear and reappear with endearing messages. He/she won’t stalk your stories and doesn’t get into your space. He keeps blowing off every other chance you give him.
We all love cookies, and often pile them up when we can. But one thing that would make your cookies wish they gave you a bad stomach is making them Cheddars’ side piece. Cookie jarring is dating someone but having a backup ‘boyfriend’ in case things fell apart with the main guy. While it gives some people a forged sense of safety, for Ava and me, our stomachs cringe at the mention of the name.
Stashing refers to being someone’s dirty, tight-guarded secret. You probably have dated someone that you love with all your heart, but they don’t reciprocate the love. Instead, they are ashamed of showing you off to the public, friends, and families. They endear you in private and walk two steps ahead of you in public. It’s heartbreaking and makes the demeaned party feel like crap. Chances are, his class and yours don’t match, so let go of the vibe and find a better soul.
Your orbiting date doesn’t have to be an astronomer who pillow talks rocket science when warming up for another ride to cloud nine. The term ‘orbiting’ refers to a person who does not pick up your call or reply messages but will watch, comment, and like all your IG stories, videos, Snapchats, and your other social media channels.
These are people who you’ve been out with or dated before, but things didn’t work out. They either took things for granted, ghosted and then zombied, only to come back expecting you to accommodate them. Instead, you gave them similar treatment, they got angry and turned to online stalkers who only watch your social posts and never like or comment.
These are evil cousins of catfishers. Unlike a catfish who creates an entirely new identity to lure you in, kittenfishing involves making modifications such as face filters, using sexy younger profile photos, or drastically changing the appearance to look much better than in real person. Never change who you are to impress anyone. Be yourself.
Bugs make my skin crawl, and cockroaches are no exception. A roach, according to Ava, is a person who you are exclusively dating and saving up for a holiday trip to Hawaii, but they are intimately cheating with other girls on the side. Roaches deserve hell, right?
Coined by OkCupid site, thunberging refers to bonding with a person by sharing common interests and enthusiasm for particular issues, such as the environment. The term is suitably named after Greta Thunberg.
As you are now well acquainted with the new dating terms in 2020, which ones do you feel best describe your relationship? Do you relate to some, or does your friend? Well, share the article, and let’s find out.