An entire full length blog on the subject by @Ithinkimgod on twitter
Note: I am not an expert marriage counsellor or any sort of relationship therapist. I am just a simple wedding entertainer that has been in the business since around 2000. I’ve seen and entertained at too many weddings since then, and this article of mine stems from my experiences of those years.
So, lately I have been noticing a growing trend, especially between twenty somethings at the urge to get married. To be honest, this is usually just some ploy for some small petty gain. Whatever the reason for the gain is may differ, the usual steps that lead to the major mistake of getting hitched in the first place, then the messy divorce are usually the same.
Now here are my thoughts on the matter. Whether it’s a mutual contract that is beneficial to both parties, or if actual love is involved…..I don’t really care. I neither support, or oppose, the decision to get married whether it’s the right or wrong reasons. However, it is how it’s used/misused is where most issues come from. That and pre-arranged marriages.
Now you may be thinking, why does North America (US + Can combined) have the largest divorce rates in the world, and then when you look at how the media and certain other things portray marriage with your fabulous wedding dress and matching accessories, and of course the expensive honeymoon treament, with all the free food and party…..I mean how could you go wrong? Not to mention lawyers having a field day with divorces where someone usually walks away with more than half of your belongings. Marriage has not only become a contract to fulfil immediate financial or other needs, it has become a financial success in the entertainment, wedding planning, and legal industry as well. I mean think about it, who do you think makes most of the money when someone gets married? First you need to obtain a marriage license, which in some cases involves a fee. Then you need to sign a contract, which usually involves a lawyer or other legal representative, and that also includes fees. And then other things that are involved are usually getting a wedding planner, a tailor to make that dress that the ladies obsessively want, then there are caterers, fees for renting the church/pastor/rabbi/etc, the staff to serve your function such as waiters/bartenders, and finally the entertainment staff such as a DJ or Band. You add that all up, that’s a lot of money out of your pockets and into everyone elses (including mine).
The simple answer is this…..you cannot always successfully match two people all the time. I mean sure you may have many reasons why you and your prospective long term partner may get hitched with some reasons sexual and most reasons financially or otherwise beneficially related. But past those limitations, what do you really have? Two people, who are together and probably don’t get along past what they need from each other (to whatever degree that may be). Most times that I have seen (not all the time, but most of the time), people get married for the stupidest reasons imaginable.
There are the rare occasions that mutual feelings and actual love is involved…..however, from 80-90% of the weddings that i’ve entertained at, someone or both persons involved are getting some sort of mutual advantage, and a temporary one at best.
I often ask (subtly) why each is marrying the other. Common answers that I get are:
I want a cake
I want the best wedding dress and a party for all my girlfriends
I want to show my girlfriends/guy buddies the kind of arm candy I get to go home to every day
Look at the kind of cash I will be inheriting
My new brother/sister in law is pretty hot too
I got the girl knocked up (one of the most common ones)
The facts, from all of my experience have told me, that there is some mutual benefit that both parties get out of the legal contract binding that happens through a “marriage,” and that love (at best) is only a side dish or after thought of what supposedly should be the main course.
A lot of times, both parties have ulterior motives for setting up the engagement and the actual marriage that either or both people involved do not know about.
I admit this…..from time to time I watch that show “The Millionaire Matchmaker” with Patti Stanger. The reason I watch that show is not only to see the large amounts of extremely hot, but mostly otherwise reality challenged bimbos who want to marry a millionaire, but to see what these millionaire guys are like…..and surprisingly, most of them are regular people like myself, but with millions of dollars. I really get a good laugh at how these ladies line up to marry a rich but otherwise mediocre type of a person, and even how Patti disses these millionaires behind their backs, which also makes her look like a supreme bitch in the end.
The main reason I watch this show, besides getting a good laugh out of most of the people that are on this show, is to analyze what kind of people they are. I especially take a look at the prospective male millionaires who apply for a potential mate on the show because, in a way, they are not all that different from me. I often ask myself, am I going to end up on this show? Because I see too much of myself personality wise in a lot of these guys applying. They are not all exactly like me, but a common theme most of them have which I relate to is, that they would like a mate who would match their personality and not be totally in it to dive into their wallets. This is a lot of the same things i’m asking for, and I can completely see myself calling up Patti, and then visualizing her dissing me behind her back trying to look for a problem with me. I am no millionaire right now, and it’s not that i’m wanting to become a millionaire so badly, but I believe that I will already be there in the future in some point (I don’t have to want it, because I believe i’m gonna be there eventually, and it’s just a matter of when and where), and questioning myself “well what do I do now?”
Most of the problems related to marriage (that i’ve seen) stems from a lot of the social and political ideology that puts pressure on young people to do or to have certain things in life that is supposed to make you “happy” and satisfied with the current social standards that are imposed on the general public.
Now think about this, why is it that when a girl marries someone, it’s usually someone that her other girlfriends approve of or would be envious of. It is rarely one of the guys in the social pack (although that could still happen), but more often a guy who is somewhat out of her grasp, but enough for her to reel in and brag to her friend about. A guy who has some sort of social standing, but has a hidden ace (money, cars, some sort of connections). The pressures in society (if you fall for that bullshit) is that you are supposed to have a hot trophy husband/wife, a nice house with matching luxury sedan or suv, 2.5 children, and of course the adorable pet dog/cat. I mean don’t get me wrong…..I want some of those things too, but in my case I want it to actually work out! Most people i’ve seen who have got all of those things are basically unhappy, and that they hold on to such items in order to preserve their social image, which is bullshit to begin with.
I have a mini story to add to my article here:
Someone I know from my past recently got married. No I wasn’t at the wedding, nor was I invited, or that I knew about until about a couple of months after through third party sources. To set things straight, I have no knowledge of her husband, nor am I wanting her to divorce him for me. The question that I ask myself is: is she REALLY happy, or is he or she one of the parts in a larger society based machine?
Before she met her husband, going back several years to our early adulthood, she and I would have private conversations and we were quite close, but behind closed doors only. No I did not have sexual relations with this girl, nor did I do any of that “benefits” crap with her, but we did spend a bit of time talking about each other’s feelings and actually getting kinda close by actually getting to know each other. The problem was, most of her friends did not like me at all, which meant that our friendship was only recognized in secret and that publicly she did not know me at all. I mean in a way, who could blame her…..I was obnoxious, boisterous, and young at the time (very early 20s) so of course I had a lot to learn then about certain social behavioral patterns and when/when not to be “expressive” more or less. On top of that, she was one of the prettiest and most sought after girls on campus that everyone wanted to get their dirty little hands (or other anatomical parts) on, and I understand that. If time, and other opportunities allowed for it, I would have told her that I understood at least some of what she would have to go through and wanted nothing more from her than her good ear to listen to, and for her to express how she felt to me when I would listen.
Sadly however, time and situations did not find a way for her and I to share special face time, as the social machine eventually overpowered her, and I went my own separate way finding and refining what was my social weakness into an actual strength (I became a DJ/Entertainer, didn’t I). Even though in public I did not exist to her, there were times where she would walk by and would pretend not to noticeme, but I would catch her looking at me as if she wanted to say she were sorry, and that she wished she would have had the time or found the time to talk to or connect with me.
I hope that one day, she realizes that her so called pre-made social group of friends ain’t really shit, and account for basically nothing when it comes to how you truly feel on the inside, despite their objections or even their approval. Because in the end, being in a group of friends or attached to one friend on a regular basis does not really provide you with the entire picture of the actual situation you’re in…..only their versions of the story.
Right now, I only wish for two things:
a) She would get off her high horse and find the time to actually iron things out with me (as in actual talking). This is the more preffered things I wish for.
b) That I wouldn’t exist to her what so ever. She doesn’t mention me as a back story to her friends, or that she doesn’t remember me at all. Basically that she made her choice to live her life as if I never came into it and stick to that decision…..to not utter a word of my name, reference me in her life, or even to think about me at all. Sometimes I can pick up when someone’s thinking about me (as in a hunch).
To be honest, I don’t believe i’m completely out of her system. I don’t know if you believe in this “psychic” crap but I would often have dreams of her years after the fact…..often her trying to get a hold of me often asking me to “come over here” or saying stuff like “I need to talk to you”. The dreams I have often have variable situations…..but her message is mostly the same. To be honest, she’s not completely out of my system either…..it’s just that i’ve accepted her decision to outcast me in public and her decision to live a life filtered by her social group (a sad plague that affects most people today). I don’t agree with her decision at all, but i’ve decided to live with it as much as it hurt me at the time. It still hurts, I won’t lie to you, but you have to ask yourself sometimes…..even though parts of it are my fault, is that type of a person worthy to me? I don’t wish divorce or for her relationship to be unsuccessful…..but I do wish that she would be a little more honest with herself…..and if that means changing things like some of her dependence on her girlfirends, or even her husband, and if she has to leave some or all of them, then so be it.
Now with that being said, we now get to Divorce, the asshole half brother of that whiny bitch called Marriage. Like Marriage, Divorce also has it’s shares of financial relationships, but more with lawyers and the entire legal system. Divorce in a way is a welcome wagon for most people in an unhappy Marriage that shouldn’t have started in the first place.
Think about this also, a Divorce can be just as messy as a Marriage. Sure there are less things such as floral arrangements and parties. However, there are messed up feelings, legal fees, and quite often, squabbles over property ownership and money. Divorce is a welcome wagon to us guys, or wives who now dispise their husbands, because now that useless contract can be neutralized.
To be honest, I would like to find my bride too. And there were several situations where the idea of that was pretty close. However, I pulled out when I or they realized what kind of a person they would be hitched to afterwards. I don’t claim to be the best person to be your husband…..I am just a person. Whether you find my idealogy and logical sets of rules idealy matched to yours is your decision.
There are many situations where I believe Divorce is necessary. I have two mini-stories for you to read!
Divorce Mini Story #1:
I know yet another girl, this one i’ve known since the age of 14 and still very good terms with. The only problem is that I believe she also fell for the marriage obligational machine. During High School, I was friendly to her but we were basically living in different worlds throughout that time so I wasn’t too close to her then. Only after high school did I make the effort to talk more to her and we actually became close. However, at the time that I decided to be more a part of her life, she had already met someone and was engaged to be married.
Sure I was a bit disapointed as I was also attracted to her, but at the same time I also felt happy that she found some happiness for herself. However when talked to her during her marriage, I found out that her husband was in the military and would often get stationed at various bases and training camps, often leaving her alone by herself, or making them have to move frequently and across the country several times for his military training. Now the reason I think she married him was because she herself was somewhat of an uber-christian and that her husband was the son of some pastor, making it in her mind a religious compatibility. As I talked to her more in the later years during her marriage, she would express her fustration at the constant moving and/or not seeing him a lot. She would even threaten to put all their belongings on the front lawn if she had to move again because he got transferred to another base (which apparently is frequent). The last time I spoke to her, which was fairly recent, we spoke of her current situation. When she spoke of having to move (again), I asked her how she felt about that, and she sadly responded “well what can I do, I have no choice.” This is sad because she expressed an interest to further her knowledge or expand her career options, and how can she do that in her current situation? Now as I thought about that for a moment, it kinda became clear to me. She does have a choice, but it wouldn’t be too pleasant for her. The first choice is she could protest this to her military husband, or the second choice is to leave him.
In my opinion, what point does this marriage have if she barely even sees him and/or does not enjoy his occupation and the certain things that come with it. I am not saying that she doesn’t love him, but at the same time she does not sound exactly too happy everytime I talk to her. If one or more people aren’t happy due to certain factors in the relationship, shouldn’t divorce be an option? This girl never really had a relationship in her life before meeting Mr. Millitary christian guy, so I think the Marriage thing was sort of rushed.
In this case, if she ain’t happy but holding on due to religious oblications, maybe she should get out of that thinking pattern because common religious beliefs are NOT the begining of a relationship, nor does it solve relationship issues. This is one case she should consider getting a Divorce.
Divorce Mini Story #2:
My old man has never really been happy in his relationship with my mom or his children (myself and my sister) unless it benefits him socially. I honestly think the real reason he married her was because she came from a rich family and he wasn’t so rich.
Long story short, all my life, when dad did not like how things went or if things did not go his way, he would make threats at my mother and myself claiming that he would leave us. Eating his bullshit, my mom and even myself at first would do what we could to keep him around. What could I do? I was young, maybe 5 – 11 years old at the time and I was fed a lot of shit about how we should be a complete family and how other families are broken homes, but not us…..? In this case, maybe we could have been better off if we were a broken home.
He was uncomfortable that I grew up NOT in his image or sharing his outdated ideals. This led him to say lies to my mother and myself to get us to do what he wants, and when the time came to fulfil his end of the bargain…..he didn’t. When I complained that I augmented a lot of things in my life to get what I was promised and not get it, I was pissed. I complained, and complained to my mother constantly about things I was promised that did not get but she too would start feeding me bullshit such as “oh we need him” and “I can’t pay the bills without him.” She would often go to his defense whenever I pointed out things he would do things that would regularly wrong us. Such spend money foolishly while we as a family were struggling with bills as one example out of many. I guess if you don’t really want to be in a situation, you would do things without little consideration to how it would affect your family.
The conclusion here is simple. He doesn’t want to be here, and my sister and I agree to have him leave. We believe our family can do well without him. However, my mother clings to my dad……for what reason, I don’t know. She knows what he does on a regular basis is wrong, yet she absolves him and she never puts him at fault, when we all know that it is.
In this case, a family can’t be held or supported together by someone who doesn’t really want to be there. A person like that would act carelessly and not consider how his or her actions would affect their family. In this case, I believe a Divorce is necessary.
In conclusion, and from all my experience, I believe that before a Marriage should be attempted, that the path to a clean and unmessy potential Divorce should not only at least be considered, but should be thought out properly before walking down the isle. Don’t get married or divorced for the wrong reasons, and keep in mind that unless you understand the other person, that you should understand yourself first and what your boundaries are before attempting to join with someone who may or may not share your sense of values.
Please let me know what you think.
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