“Can’t we just stay in?” and other Things I’d tell my 20 year old self


“Can’t we just stay in?” and other Things I’d tell my 20 year old self

Things I’d tell my 20 year old self…. Along with many of you, the majority of my twenties were spent bar hopping. Unless that wasn’t your “thing”, and then I’m sorry you missed out on all the AMAZING times that were had. (You didn’t miss a damn thing, and probably have nicer furniture than me because you didn’t spend all your money on booze. Or because you didn’t choose to be a comedian. Both, probably.) I distinctly remember when choosing a bar a place would fall out of the running if there were no other bars within walking distance. It was all about lack of commitment. Oh, how I loved to be non committal in my twenties. Now, at thirty, I have become much less of a second location kind of girl. I’ve become much less of a going out girl in general. I think back to those nights and what I would have done differently. *Insert dream sequence here*

20’s: “It’s Friday night, let’s go out!”

30’s: “What are you, crazy? IT’S FRIDAY NIGHT. It’s amateur hour out there. Let’s go out Tuesday for happy hour so I can still be in bed by 9. How about everyone comes over and we open a bottle(s) of wine and re-watch Buffy?”

20’s: “What are you guys wearing? I’m pulling out all the stops with a new cocktail dress.”

30’s: “You’re wearing a dress? I’m wearing a sweater and a hat, because it’s cold out and I’m not an idiot. And no, I’m not changing purses; I don’t care if this fits my laptop. It also fits snacks. If you don’t like it than just don’t stand next to me, but that means you won’t be warm. Choose wisely.”

20’s: “I’ll have a Malibu and diet”

30’s: “Enjoy that because you’ll never have it again after the theater guild party of 2004. I’ll have a Cab. Do you guys have bread?”

20’s: “Ugh, this place is dead.”

30’s: “Shut up and sit down because the Kappa Kappa WHATEVER fraternity left so there are finally SEATS available in this joint.  My bones. My poor, poor bones.”

20’s: “This DJ is awesome.”

30’s: “For fucks sake why is the music so loud? My drink is vibrating more than the water cup in Jurassic Park and a god damn T-Rex was responsible for that.”

20’s: “That guy at the bar is so hot. He’s totally eye fucking me.”

30’s: “Look closer sweetheart, he’s got a wedding ring on. Even if he is flirting, YOU STAY FAR AWAY FROM HIM BECAUSE HE IS A BAD, BAD MAN.”

20’s: “Let’s go somewhere else…  Like the afterhours spot!”

30’s: “So I can drink Red Bull and watch a bunch of kids who still look like they’re in utero rolling on Molly? No thanks. If I wanted to hate myself that much I would just order a Frito Pie from Fred 62… Wait, are you guys hungry?”

20’s: “I had four shots of Jameson. I feel great!”

30’s: “I had one glass of wine and I can’t see color. My hair hurts. I don’t care if it’s 10am I want delivery Thai food STAT. See you guys in three days.”

"Can't we just stay in?" and other things I'd tell my 20 year old self

Valerie Tosi
Originally hailing from Boston, Valerie is a sassy redhead comedian, actor, and writer. Her self deprecating and observational humor makes her charming and relatable to a wide audience; at least that what she tells herself. She regularly does story slams at The Moth, and last year was a finalist in the first Los Angeles Funny Women Festival for storytelling. She is the host of the new monthly all female stand up show “The Mermaid Comedy Hour” in LA, is an alumni of both The Second City and iO West, and has starred in several Buzzfeed videos. Follow her on Twitter and she'll remind you that it's ok to do stupid stuff. http://www.valerietosi.com
Similar posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *