dinnerfortwo
Next time I’ll just nod…
by dirtyandthirty

Guest Post: Christian Correa

Hey babe, how was your day? …Oh, another rough one at the office, huh? I’m really sorry to hear that.  What happened?  Wow, that Nancy lady sure sounds like a real piece of work.  I can’t believe you go through this every day, and it really pains me to see how it’s affecting your (our) life so much.  Here, have a glass of Sancerre, I’ve had it waiting on ice…

That’s better, right? Just relax.  You look amazing, by the way. Hey, while we’re on the subject of work, I seem to have noticed a few recurring problems within these eloquent, super fascinating, daily recounts of your shitty job.  Problems that, if you took a few tiny, rational steps, would probably no longer be problems, and I would no longer have to hear about “That bitch Nancy from accounting”.   It’s a win-win, right?  So, because I’m a caring, thoughtful boyfriend who listens so well, I’m going to help illuminate these options so we can move on to other…

Wait, I didn’t mean…why are you yelling at me?  I’m just trying to help.  Are you angry?  No, I’m not taking Nancy’s side, I just thought that MAYBE there were some things you could do differently to avoid this situation again.  You do want to avoid it, right?  Oh no, you just want to vent?  Ok, fine, but your vent is blowing shit all over me, and I had a very distinctive non-shit scent before you walked in the door.  All I’m saying is, “let’s clean the vent”.   That makes sense, right?  No?  WELL WHO THE FUCK WOULDN’T WANT TO CLEAN THE VENT!?  Do you know how crazy that sounds?  No, I’m not calling YOU crazy, I’m just saying…  Ahhh just forget it…

What?  No, I don’t think Nancy is hot?  Why would I want to sleep with Nancy, I’ve met her once, at that stupid Christmas Party you dragged me to.  I looked at her tits? When?  At the buffet! Jesus fucking Christ, are you serious?  Why are we… what the hell were we even talking about? I don’t even know what I’m saying.  WHY ARE WE YELLING?  I’m sorry?!  You.  Are.  Correct… Happy Anniversary?  I love when your family visits!  No, what’s HAPPENING to me?!  Santa Barbara this weekend for wine tasting?  Ahhhhh, fuck!  WHO… AM… I….

 
Christian Correa @correacomedy
Writer/ Comedian. Moved to LA. Grew a beard. Bought a flannel. I’m almost there.
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4 Responses to Next time I’ll just nod…

  1. Amy says:

    Bahaha, love the insight into how we come across to guys. No wonder you think we’re all crazy. Was just having this conversation with a girlfriend, how you can’t vent to guys because their instinct is to fix everything and why the hell are you venting if you don’t want it fixed? We really do communicate so differently.

    • We need Rosetta Stone language software for both men and women :)

    • Christian Correa says:

      Haha you’re not ALL that bad! :-) Also, we only try to “fix things” if we actually give a shit about you, so thats a good thing, right? Believe me, plenty of my coworkers complaints are just met with a curt “Then just fucking quit”, or if they’re especially draining, “You could always go kill yourself”. That usually puts a stop to the complaining, and coincidentally my headache. Feel free to use those, Amy!

  2. Great article. I actually have over come that instinct, I got to the point in life where I know when somebody has me beat. If I don’t know what to do, I advocate counseling or therapy. I am helpful and supportive but I know when I am in over my head.

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