A tongue and cheek guide to decoding those of us that suffer from testosterone poisoning, have an extra y-chromosome, ADD/ADHD, OCD, or Rain Man style savant tendencies.
In a perfect world all guys would be simple, cook us a nice dinner, hold our hand, and we’ll do the dishes and bring you flowers. Yeah, fairy tails are nice but it takes a little bit more work these days.
1. Technology: Many of us creative types love shinny objects with bright flickering screens. It is at times hard for us to shift our attention away from them. Caution: do not proceed to remove the object from our hands with direct force no matter how emotionally detached we might seem at that moment. Because crying and screaming can result. For most objects the manufacture recommends putting your arms around him and or sitting on his lap. The male brain will realize the person siting on his lap or whose arms is around him is actually three-dimensional. The brain is using its sense of sight, sound, and touch with the object when you use a larger amount of touch the brain makes the connection.
2. Memory issues: Our brains are very active during the day. There are at times we will forget small details that might seem like life or death issues to you. Such as now and then we will forget to put the toilet seat down. Every male brain is different and responds differently to instruction. Some of us need a visual reminder such as a post-it note, some of us need an audio reminder, like a dictating machine or voice mail. For those of us that are multi-sensory, a DVD with a scratch-and-sniff sticker on it works better. This works for anniversaries, birthdays, and remembering to put gas in the car.
3. Feeding: Many of us have diverse and eclectic pallets. Please ask us if what you made for us is to our liking. We have the responsibility to let you know if we do or do not like it. Because we know we run the risk of getting it again if we don’t communicate this information to you.
4. Anxiety: Yes, despite popular belief males are afraid of things besides being chased by woolly mammoths and the IRS. The difference lies in the communication of these fears. The male brain needs to be put at ease that judgement will not be passed on him if he discusses his fears. Some of us literally need our hand held. Others need a cold beer and nice meal. While others need Prozac, Xanax, and or a combination of the above. This works for commitment, responsibility, meeting the parents, and showing up on wedding day.
5A. Female friends as support group: Males know that when females and their close female friends hang out, they are on trial. That issues will be brought up to the support group concerning them that they will not hear about directly. That is okay, our brains understand that need for bonding and security in numbers. We just humbly ask that the pertinent issue is communicated to us no matter how awkward or uncomfortable. It is our responsibility to be non-judgemental and receptive. At least so a plea bargain can be made and a workable compromise reached.
5B. Overbearing: This also overlaps with anxiety. We as males can be too caring at times. Much of this is caused due to living in large cities with lots of other males and females all trying to balance work, love, and who gets their attention based on subjective criteria. Some of us need various forms of communication relayed back to us. Some of us like phone calls. Some of need us face-to-face. Some of us you need to tell us, “Yes, I know you have ADD/ADHD bordering on being Rain Man and have trouble interpreting the subtleties of human emotion, I will explain everything to you.” Some of us are like six figure red carpet dresses, we take a lot of designer prep work and dry-cleaning but we’ll make you look amazing.
6. Sleeping: Many of us males do snore. Since we are sleeping we have no idea we are snoring at that given time. So it is your responsibility to let us know so we can take corrective action. Especially if it sounds like a chainsaw.
7. Sex: Please tell us what you want, how much, how long a period of time, and what not to do. Yes, we will cuddle with you after, just please tell us in advance so we don’t roll over and fall asleep, watch SportsCenter, or some combination of the above.
8. Giving Navigation Directions with a Vehicle: Even if we are lost, it may be very hard for us males to communicate this information to you. This is a throwback to when we thought we were being chased by a woolly mammoth and are going off gut instinct. Usually a GPS solves this issue so any profanity will be directed at the GPS unit and not you.
9. Money: If you are the accountant in the relationship please give us a budget with a hard ceiling. Also please let us know how much is discretionary and what the hard ceiling is on it. This prevents us guys with an impulsive streak from coming home with with a boat, a large screen TV, a rider mower or any other questionable purchase. This is of course dependent on personal income level and individual financial situation. In return we ask that if you want to bring home something organic, a puppy a kitten, or adopting a child from a third-world country we ask to be included in the process.
10. Confidence: Many of us creative types are quiet hard working professionals. We have plenty of confidence on the inside, we just don’t want to come off looking like ego-maniacal D-bags. We will not judge you as dirty if you initiate conversation or some form of communication with us and start the ball rolling. It even helps us greatly if you can reassure us that further involvement or evolution of the relationship will not alienate our circles of friends if we have known each other before hand. We’re not scared, we just don’t want to be the D-bag that messed it up for everybody. We are sensitive creatures too.