It’s a conversation I will never forget:
Me: So….I think I’m ready
Steve: Ready?? OH!….. I think I am too.
Me: Really?!? Ok
That was it, we knew exactly what the other was talking about and from there on out our lives would never be the same. We were ready for a baby. That was July 9, 2009 and we had been married for exactly 8 months and 1 day. We were sitting in a restaurant waiting for our food and it was something I had been thinking about for a couple of months. First it started as a little feeling in my chest when I would hold a friends baby or see an adorable baby outfit in a store window. But Steve had never said anything solid about being ready to TTC (try to conceive) so I didn’t either. I wasn’t SURE I was ready before this anyway. In fact I hadn’t planned to have this life changing conversation, it just kind of came out of my mouth after I looked over at another table and saw a couple about our age with their baby. They were both staring at the baby with such love. At that moment I was sure, I was positive, I wanted a baby. My heart was pounding as I said those words, not sure if he would even know what I was talking about. I can’t tell you how glad I was that Steve was ready too and he had been thinking about it as much as I had.
That was it, the conversation was over and we were on the same page. Now it was time to make all of my plans. I wanted to have my first baby born before my 30th birthday so I had to be pregnant before Halloween. I wanted everyone to be surprised that I was pregnant so we only told one couple, Ed and Stephanie, that we were trying and I knew I wouldn’t have to keep my secret long because the plan was made and I would be pregnant within a few months. I started buying baby clothes when I saw something I couldn’t live without! I knew Steve would think I was crazy so I didn’t tell him about most of the purchases!!
I figured that since I had been on birth control for years that it might take a month or two to get back on schedule but that by Christmas at the latest I would have great news to announce to my family and friends. By Halloween I was starting to get a little concerned, my plan of having a baby before I was 30 was out the window. I’m not a person that gets stressed out easily but when another month ended with no BFP (big fat positive, on a pregnancy test) I was pretty stressed out. I knew infertility was a possibility because my parents struggled with it. But, even knowing that and knowing that there was that possibility that it could happen to me I had prayed that it wouldn’t. My older sister got pregnant with no problems at all. I do have to admit now that somewhere deep in my heart I always knew this would happen but I didn’t even consider it when we made the decision to TTC.
Just before Halloween, around the three month mark, I started to feel really lost and alone. I needed something, a female companion, someone that was in the same place I was. Stephanie had just had a baby and I needed someone to talk to that was currently struggling. A few weeks earlier Stephanie told me about a friend of a friend that was having similar feelings to mine. She had been TTC the same amount of time, that stuck with me and I thought maybe this person was just what I needed. So we decided to email…that’s how I met Sophie. At first we thought we should get together but life got in the way and we decided to just continue emailing. But, we weren’t just sending each other messages, we were becoming a huge part of each others lives. I shared things with Sophie I was afraid to share with anyone else, I told her my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings about TTC and she told me hers. Sometimes we wrote to each other several times a day, never missing a day. She got it! She knew exactly how I felt and through every test and every failed cycle she was there. My heart had met its match in this situation and it felt so good to have that.
Because Stephanie and Ed had their own struggles getting pregnant I went to Stephanie for advice on what steps to take after a few unsuccessful months. She told me to use a fertility monitor so that I could accurately track my cycles and see if there was really a problem. I made elaborate color-coded calendars that showed when I ovulated and made notes on everything fertility related. Being organized helps me feel focused and accomplished. I spent several months becoming an expert on baby making, it’s not a simple as you may think. I read every book, I joined message boards to talk with other women that were doing everything they could to make their dream family a reality. I can give you more TTC abbreviations than your brain can hold! You would be surprised at how many people are out there giving it their all, you would probably also be surprised at how many things there are in the world targeted at women desperate to have a baby. I experienced it all: fertility monitors, ovulation kits, pills, shots, books, vitamins, creams, oils salts and candles made by witches, tarot readings, church healers, prayer groups, standing on my head, special exercises, fertility necklaces and so much more. I was willing to try anything and keep an open mind. I also spent a lot of time sitting on the beach alone praying and crying.
By Christmas, after months of trying to make every sneeze in to a pregnancy symptom, there was no BFP and I knew for sure that something was wrong. The fertility monitor gave me plenty of information to take in to the doctor and I had made a beautiful color-coded calendars that clearly and simply showed a problem. I went to my OB and showed her all of my charts, she told me that I was young and overweight and for every 10 pounds I lost I would get more fertile then she showed me the door without even looking at my charts or listening to a word I had to say. I was heart broken, I knew I was a little overweight but I didn’t think it was enough to make me infertile, in fact I knew for sure that that wasn’t the problem and I didn’t have that many ’10 pounds’ to loose. I was pissed off! I was sick of not being listened to, I know my body and I knew that there was a problem.
Steve and I went back to Louisiana for Christmas and we didn’t mention a word of TTC to anyone. I so badly wanted to have the “I’m pregnant!” conversation with my parents and sisters and have them be totally shocked at the news. We spent a lot of time with my niece that visit and it just confirmed how much we wanted a family. There was even a conversation with my mom about when we would have a baby, it was so hard to keep my mouth shut, I wanted to tell her that we were trying and not succeeding so badly. But, I kept a straight face and said that when we were ready we would let them know. Later my mom told me that her motherly instincts told her that we were trying and having a hard time and it was her biggest fear.
I made an appointment with Stephanie’s OB for the beginning of January 2010. I saw Dr. R and he was amazing, he sat with me for two hours during our first appointment and he listened to every word I had to say. He looked at every chart thoroughly and considered every option. He also told me that my weight had nothing at all to do with the fact that I wasn’t pregnant! (Thank you Dr. R for giving me a little self esteem back!) I thought that after meeting with the most wonderful OB ever, we would do some tests and I would have some easy answers and in a month or two we could have that conversation with our families that I had dreamt of so many times. Well, that’s not exactly how things happened. This was the beginning of my journey full of love, trust, heartache and prayers. They say if you want to make God laugh, make plans. God must think I’m hilarious because nothing went according to my plan, this was all Him and you know what, that guy knows exactly what He is doing because I love my life and I appreciate the journey that got me here!