Magic Mike 1 Review: I’m in Love with A Stripper.

#TheStruggleIsRealDirty Hollywood

FACT: I once gave Channing Tatum a lapdance (for free, in my living room) to Ginuine’s “Pony,” the very same song that was playing when we saw him do his first solo routine in “Magic Mike.”

The year was approximately 2003, and I had recently moved to LA. My first roommates met Channing in New York, before he was the Channing every woman now fantasizes about, and one of them went out with him a couple of times. At the time, he was just a model and getting into acting. He would stay with us when he came to LA for work, and was not only the perfect gentleman every time we went out, but also the center of attention on the dance floor EVERYWHERE we went… For obvious reasons. One particular night, we came back from the club and decided to perform dance routines for each other. When it was my turn, I decided to kick it up a notch and requested “Pony.” To say everyone was impressed with my moves would be an understatement. I have always thought I missed my calling to be a stripper, and apparently a certain casting director saw that in me as well, as I have been cast to play the head stripper (AKA the Matthew McConaughey) in an upcoming web series.

SO… About “Magic Mike” :

I have always DESPISED male strippers and have told my girlfriends numerous times that if/when I get married, if I show up to my bachelorette party and there are male strippers, I will leave. To me, there is nothing masculine or sexy about a greasy, prickly, hairless man in a banana hammock who smells like self-tanner and Chlamydia. I learned this past weekend that great casting choices can make you think otherwise, if only for one hour and fifty minutes. I was, however, less than impressed with Cody Horn, who played Alex Pettyfer’s sister. I’m sure she’s a delightful human being, but I didn’t believe for one second of her monotone performance that Channing Tatum would be interested

in her. I was particularly disenchanted with the scene where they are walking along the beach. Umm, hey, guess what? You’re walking the beach with Channing mother- fucking Tatum. It wouldn’t kill you to put a little pep in your step and fix your posture a bit. (If it were me, I would’ve taken my top off as soon as he asked me to go for a walk. Just a suggestion.) The only other gripe I have regarding casting is that there was no hot chocolate meat. By that, I mean a black fellow. First of all, we all know a black man would have been able to shake and grind better than any of them. (Taye Diggs?) And second, while I have never played on the dark side of the fence, I’ve been considering it, and I believe this movie would have definitely swayed my decision with a chocolate character. I was able to see past the fact that Matt Bomer plays for the other team in real life, and now my gay roommate sleeps with his door locked.

The verdict is that I left that movie ready to pounce on the first man that smiled at me. I’m sure guys aren’t running to see this movie like women are, but here’s a tip: If there is a girl you’d like to penetrate, take her to see this movie. Everybody wins. I have never wished I’d been a featured extra in a movie SO BADLY.I would have never imagined the same guy who stayed in our 3 roommate, 2 bedroom apartment in Van Nuys would turn out to be the guy who would make me not want to vomit at the sight of a male stripper. Well done, Channing… And everyone else.

This article was originally posted on 07/06/2012

Luchana Gatica
I am a 30 year-old comedian/actress/writer and most importantly, dirtyandthirty blogger! I am known for having way too much experience on the single life and making fun of myself.
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  1. Wow, what a small world Hollywood is. Now you can tell him “I knew you way back when.” In your photo above, he looks just like a really good buddy of mine from college, I had to do a double take.

  2. Amy says:

    Crap, so jealous. That man is fiiiiiiiine. Perhaps your dance to “Pony” was his inspiration? 😉 Should have included you in their Special Thanks.

  3. Tabitha says:

    Damn! Lucky chic!! Do you still keep in touch with him?

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