Gossip Girl Weekly Recap, Episode 5, “The Fasting and the Furious”

Dirty Hollywood

And here’s your weekly G.G. recap!

….Previouslies: Liz Hurley outs Chivy and punishes her by giving her a job, Dan’s book is out – resulting a shit storm from his friends, Serena has to get the book rights. She just has to!

Episode 5, “The Fasting and the Furious”

Little Cyrus and his giant bride Eleanor Waldorf welcome the Royal Grimaldi’s into their home for Yom Kippur. “As I recall, you’re a fan of smoked salmon”, Cyrus remembers of Princess Sophie. I know that you at home are not familiar with the conversation habits of the rich and famous, but your interest in smoked salmon is always up for discussion. Blair and Louis enter the room and it’s the first time I realize they are the same height. They spill the beans about the bun in the oven and everyone is quietly thrilled. It’s really like a soft clap and a deadpan, “That’s wonderful.” Cough. Cough.  Princess Sophie oddly says, “The last thing this family needs is another bastard”. And that’s never explained.


Chivy’s first day at work begins with drinking OJ from a goblet. Rufus is ignoring Dan’s phone calls because he is still so offended by Dan’s harsh portrayal of him. Rufus is really the biggest pussy of a father on this show, and that’s saying a lot because it was just established that Cyrus is “a hugger”.


At Spectator, Nate fancies himself as the next JFK junior. I mean, really, the similarities are endless. Stars, they’re just like us! Liz Hurley wants to unveil her new website, but she gets scooped by Gossip Girl. Nate cares about his career, you see. And he doesn’t want to descend from his ivory tower just yet. What Would JFK Jr do? Go to the Waldorf’s for the high holy holidays, natch.


Serena, in an attempt to bat her eyelashes at Dan to get the rights to his book, puts her hatred for him aside and invites him to breakfast. He innocently agrees to give her the rights and then runs off to his next high society engagement. As Dan is getting prepped for his TV interview, note how he walks right past hair and makeup. You see that luscious wave of brown curls resting gently on his forehead – you cant make that magic. Allesandra calls people in Hollywood “sheep”. The subtext of this is “I don’t like your friend, I think she is a vapid slut”. Dan doesn’t disagree and now Serena is out of luck.


Chuck met a psychologist in a dog park and decides to show up in her office. Chuck Bass doesn’t make appointments! He is reading Art Auction magazine, presumably looking for more underwear art for his bachelor pad. The psychiatrist seems him and says, “You look like you need to talk. I’ll make time”. Damn right you will – that’s Chuck Bass! They dive right into the session. Chuck Bass doesn’t fill out insurance forms! The psychiatrist kicks him out when he tries to exchange feelings for sex (that’s what women want, right?). Besides, she’s got Yom Kippur services to get to since she converted to Judaism. “Smart move your line of work,” Chuck says. Chuck Bass likes stereotypes!


Chivy, after having a tough day at work, wanders up to Lily’s office just as she’s putting her jewelry away in the safe. A quick glimpse inside the safe shows manila envelopes and three gold bars. Gold bars! Chivy sees the files and inquires. They are the files that Bart’s private investigators dug up on all the family members. How convenient. That thing you were looking for is all right here.


I’ll admit, I really thought that Nate had no transferable business skills, but this episode shows that not only can he use touch screen technology, but he can consult on MILFing and safe cracking. So I apologize, you could have been a Kennedy after all. Chivy might take the place as the dumbest character now; her plan to break into the Van der Woodsen safe was to google “Break Into Safe” and then print out any decent hits and display them all over the room. She is a wonder!


Not-Vanessa Williams is a fickle bitch. One moment she is calling Dan “F. Scott Fitzjackass” (BURN!) and the next she is saying that Inside is “Gatsby for the social media age” (Ugh, eye roll for the 8th time). She also will not get off Serena’s back about either getting the deal or making the deal or whatever. Meanwhile, Dan and Allesandra are blowing their collective loads about Harvey Weinstein. Little do they know, one call from S and she will blow that deal. If she literally has to blow somebody.


Liz Hurley has forced her way into the hottest Yom Kippur party in Manhattan. She introduces herself to Beatrice who immediately starts spilling all the royal zeeeecrets. A royal fight over the baby rights ensues. Beatrice admits to the baby-contract scheme and her mother is alarmingly proud. Monaco is a weird place where people have reactions that are not at the same level as their cause. You like Monet? We marry! You don’t think we should marry? I renounce my throne! You deceive your family and make crazy contracts? You will be the queen! You will not acknowledge the child? The unborn baby will not acknowledge you!


Nate’s morals continue their game of ‘just the tip’ with Chivy and the safe. Chivy, master of deception, tells Nate that she won’t use the files – but wait – she gives them too Liz Hurley! Liz Hurley says she won’t use them – but wait – she already got what she needed!


And the show ends with some interesting unveiling. Liz Hurley used to know Bart Bass. Louis calls Chuck’s Psychiatrist. At this rate, Chivy will turn out to be Dorota’s daughter and Rufus will pull back his mask so we can see that he was a wafflebot all along.



Jillian Patrice
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