Previouslies: Everything old is new again. Chuck is kissing Blair, Max is back, and everybody’s hiding something… again.
Episode 8: All the Pretty Sources
Chuck is taking Monkey on a stroll through Central Park. Am I to believe that he picks up his dog’s shit? Chuck’s social decline continues because, regardless of his previous station in life, he is verbally assaulted by tweens with silly outfits. They call his dog a mutt. I’m pretty sure that’s a hate crime.
Louis is back from his trip to Monaco and brings with him the gift of meekness. “I don’t deserve you”, “I’ve come back a better man.” Why is everyone trying to be good for Blair? She’s a jerk, right? Louis gives up being nice almost immediately and lays into her about her friends. He doesn’t think they are trying to sabotage him. Blair quickly remembers that she just deflected a power play by Louis’ sister Beatrice. Again – if they wanted to play nice and easy, then Louis would be with Eric and Blair would be with Rufus.
Everyone is invited to Blair’s bridal shower except for Chuck and Dan so they make a play date. Adorbs! They get high and pig out on gourmet food and watch The Matrix. Double Adorable! Chuck lifts his spirits by calling some skanks/prostitutes over to the apartment for him. Ring Ring. Hello. It’s Chuck Bass. I need a favor. I need you to come over and sex up my friend. Sex him up all the way. Okay, thanks. Really, how does that conversation work?
Max Attack! He shows up at Lily and Rufus’ and is all, “Hey guys… do you know Ivy? Or Charlie or whatever you call her?” Finally! Chivy plays it totally cool and delivers a believable story about pretending to be poor so she could know who she can trust. Gossip Girl writers must have left for Thanksgiving break and are now just reading the IMDB summary from Aladdin. Chivy will ride this to the end because she’ll do pretty much anything to be a part of this world. A whole new world! (Don’t you dare close your eyes!)
Blair is shopping for a dress for her shower while wearing this rococo Louis XXIV jacket. The minions throw her off the scent and tell her Serena hasn’t planned a thing. So if you are wondering what to wear… First question… do you love stylish sexy jeans? Second question… Do you love soft, comfy pajama bottoms?
Nate’s grandfather, also Liz Hurley’s secret business partner, is turning up the heat on Liz’s tactics. He wants Nate to become the biggest business star that money can buy. Nate needs to make a shrewd business move to scoop Gossip Girl. He hacks into the Gossip Girl server and can see every email sent in. Serena is cautious, knowing that it will result in a shit storm of girl fights. “Put your feelings for Diana aside and think about the ramifications.” Yeah, he’s thinking about ramming something. High Five – Up Top!
Max’s feelings for Chivy haven’t changed but she needs some time alone. Lying is exhausting. She offers to pay him off to go to Portland, as one does in a breakup. Once, a guy dumped me but I made him promise to help me move first. Totally worked. As Max is walking out the door he sees Chivy in a family picture and she is SO BUSTED!
He rushes home goes through some old boxes and finds a theater program that shows Carol (Chivy’s stage mom) and Ivy in the same play. Glad you held onto that, huh? I’m gonna hang on to the old alumni letters my boyfriend gets so I can trap him in an identity scam someday. Someday.
Blair is stunned and delighted that her shower is actually Tiffany’s themed. Just how rich are the Van der Woodsens? The party favors are diamond rings and Cartier watches. I mean, Bart’s inheritance went to Chuck, Lily doesn’t work, and her new husband squeezed a family of three into a Dumbo loft… things can’t be that luxurious.
Looo-eeeee admits to Blair that he leaked everything to the Spectator. He and Blair fight and he makes lots of angry faces. Blair kicks him out and it looks like a break-up is imminent. No problem – because as it happens both Chuck AND Dan are still in love with Blair. Thus continuing the circle of who cares anymore.
Grandpa Archibald and he vows to invest in the paper with Liz’s resignation and places Nate at the helm of the Spectator. Congratulations, Nate – you’ve earned it! You went to college for 3 months and banged your boss for two.
Max shows up at the party. He knows the truth. Chivy can’t handle the truth! He’s got the taste for money and he’s essspensive. Max then turns over a creepy leaf. He is waiting, in dim lighting, in Serena’s apartment. Creepy has never stopped Serena before, just as Ben’s friends in Cell Block D. Max is going to frame Chivy for 500K. That seems a little unreasonable. How will you explain that to the IRS?
Don’t worry your pretty little head about some of these unanswered questions… I’m sure everything can be explained by an ancient tale of genies and sorcerers.