Previouslies – It’s a tale of two Charlies! One Charlie is Ivy and the other Lola, because God forbid someone has a common name. Despite video evidence of her devotion to Chuck, Blair accepts her fate in a royal sham. Serena gets royally shot down by Dan.
It’s Valentine’s Day! Rufus is picking out Cartier jewelry for Lily. Umm is he buying it with her money? Last time I checked Rufus’ last job was as a gallery owner in Season 1.
Blair returns from her “honeymoon” with “husband” with a social secretary in tow. Blair is mad at Serena for the video, Serena is mad at Blair for running off with Dan. They forgive each other almost instantly, which is nice because we’ve been through this best friend standoff many times before and I know how it ends. Blah Blah S, I would never hurt you. Blah Blah B, I just want you to be happy. Since Blair can’t have love in her life, she is in the mood to meddle by getting Dan and Serena back together.
Nate calls Charlie/Lola, who plays hard to get. Just give in girl, we know you can’t do this Paula Abdul and Skat Cat dance for long.
Georgina, the self-named Gossip Girl, pulls up a split screen of her “informants” – they are Nate’s coworker, the guy that chuck bumped into on the street, a doorman, and the Cartier salesman. In order to stir her cauldron of disaster, Georgina dreams up the “Come as You Were” party – as in come as your high school self to the Spectator. Nate agrees to host so he can get Lola to cater. Dating is easy when you have all the money in the world, huh. What would Cee-Lo have to say about that?
Chivy shows up at Prada Marfa house. She wanted to explain to Lily why she left so abruptly – but she will only talk to Lily. She’s in near meltdown mode about it. It doesn’t take long for Georgina to show up. Wow, the Humphries should really invest in some kind of security.
Serena sits down at a restaurant and BAM there is Dan. Both of their lunch dates are late. Little cupids, Blair and Dorota, are behind the chance encounter. Serena actually looks a little bulky in her sweater dress, reminding me that I can never, ever pull off a sweater dress.
Everyone arrives at the Constance themed party, but it really just looks like a Harry Potter party. Blair, trying to psych Dan up to get Serena and starts to detail all the wonderful things he’s done for her over the past year. “How could she not love you?” she says as she bats her eyelashes in the direction of Dan’s pasty Edward Scissorhands face. The subtext here is “How could I not love you?” Blair tells him that she just wants him to be happy. And what would make Dan happy? A pair of balls that he finally uses to muster the courage to kiss Blair. Too bad the moment is spoiled when Georgina walks in and takes a picture and Serena spies the whole betrayal.
Things are starting to heat up. Chivy runs into Chola. They catch up, having known each other from Florida. As Chivy walks away, Nate comments that she’s not Ivy, she’s poor, rich Charlotte under an alias to keep grubby hands off her vast Rhodes fortune. Whaaa? But Chola is Charlie not Chivy! Chesus Christ!
Chuck seems to have missed all the fun, because he is drinking alone at the Empire. Allesandra, Dan’s mediocre-looking-in-comparison literary agent shows up and propositions Chuck for a little Charlie Trout time. He shuts her down, because he can only get it up for Blair these days. His fidelity only lasts until Georgina swings by to show him the picture of Blair and Dan making out.
So Georgina’s plan to Grinch on Valentines Day works beautifully. Chuck’s heart is broken, so he settles for Allesandra in the hopes that he can get an inside track to takedown Dan. Serena loses Blair and Dan in one foul swoop, but gains a ridic pair of tuxedo pajamas. Dan will never have Blair, the royal minder can never have Louis, and Chola awaits a sent friend request for Chivy. And the grand bummer of them all – Chivy is only in town because CeCe is dying.