Gossip Girl Episode 14 “The Backup Dan”

Dirty Hollywood

Previouslies: Serena really loves Dan. There is a real Charlie Rhodes. Georgina is really back. Blair really loves Chuck. Louis is really a dick. Georgina is really Gossip Girl. Yeah, you heard me. Georgina is Gossip Girl.

 

American weddings are all the same. I don’t care if you are in California or Connecticut. At some point you are going to be dancing to Shout with middle-aged strangers. And despite being a royal affair, Blair’s wedding is no different. Ambassadors and socialites are swiveling their hips to Like a Virgin, and no one seems to notice that Blair ran off with Dan.

 

Georgina, unsatisfied with amount of fire and brimstone she was able to release on Blair’s day, is out to finish the job. Chuck is still hanging out at the reception when Empire Hotel Security calls– Blair is at the Empire! It’s our first lead on an evening of car chases, disguises and hoodwinks. The gang piles into the catering van, conveniently driven by Real Charlie (aka Lola, aka Nate’s new love interest).

 

They arrive at Chuck’s fortress of solitude. “Blair?! BLAIR?!?!” But there is only Georgina, that little fox. She lured them there to blackmail them for something yet to be determined.

 

Blair and Dan are in the back of the marriage mobile. She wants Dan to take her to the Dominican Republic so she can divorce Louis without his consent. Yes, there are paparrazi everywhere, but they go to the airport anyway.

 

Serena continues her parade of neediness to Dan, but he could care less about her. She is trying to covertly look for Blair and calls Dan. Within 60 seconds she is already asking, “DON’T YOU LIKE MEEEE???” If you remember – Dan is in love with Blair but suffers in silence.

 

The Queen of Monaco – is that what we call her? – is trying to do some undercover recon work with the Humphries and Eleanor. Lucky for her, Dan calls to tell Rufus everything. Dan is a terrible daddy’s boy. Eleanor towers over the Queen and Rufus, making them look like her personal lollipop guild.

 

The secret plan to roam the airport with no passport, cash, and in a wedding dress is starting to unravel. Ahhh best laid plans, you know? Dorota, who has been locked in a closet by Georgina, spills the beans to Serena and Chuck. Rufus spills the beans to Eleanor and Lilly. Louis and the Queen are flooded with beans as they go on air saying that Blair is a missing person in duress.

 

Right, about that duress. Apparently, in the fine print of Blair’s pre-nup, there was a dowry. Not just goats and heirs, but a princely sum (pun intended) that the Waldorfs will have to pay should Blair divorce.

 

Dan and Blair, sensing that the airport scene is so totally over, check into a hotel. Dan finally FINALLY stands up for himself as Blair starts to abuse him. “Friends don’t treat each other this way!” Dan shrieks. Serena and Chuck show up, just as Dan is threatening to run away from home. Then Georgina shows up and takes a picture of the scene for posterity. Serena drops her purse and the flip cam falls out… she then mysteriously cops to sending Blair’s confessional to Gossip Girl. The revolving door at the airport Ramada Inn continues. Ding dong – The queen is at the door to make sure Blair knows that she is already in breach of your prenup.

 

Real Charlie shows up at the Prada house to deliver flowers. As most delivery people do, she begins to talk about her personal life. She shares enough information to show that she was talking to Nate. Lily, in the mood to meddle, picks up the phone and calls him. My mom does this all the time, so its not that weird to me.

 

Chuck and Blair finally have a moment together. He offers to pay the dowry so that they can be together. Blessed Blair refuses, as she made a promise to the Lord. FOR CHRIST’S SAKE – Just let them be together already! And there is really no reason why she shouldn’t let Chuck pay for it. He has the money and just wants her to be happy.

 

In the end, Blair accepts her role as puppet bride for one year so that no one has to clean up her mess. There are still unanswered questions everywhere – who really sent that video, who is the real real Gossip Girl, who really authorized Serena’s bride-of-Frankenstein hair??

Jillian Patrice
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