Anyone can compare cell phone service companies based on important metrics like coverage, price, or unlimited data plans. Let’s get down to what’s really important: who would win in a fight club, Celebrity Deathmatch style throwdown between each company’s chosen spokesman? There’s been a lot of drama among the spokespeople recently with the “Can you hear me now?” guy switching from Verizon to Sprint and emotions are high. The most important cell service question has never been answered: who would walk out of the ring victorious?
I’m not sure Verizon realized it was choosing an ambassador to represent it in a physical demonstration of power when it chose Thomas Middleditch as their new spokesman in the wake of the original Verizon guy sleeping with the enemy. Middleditch, known as the guy who drops the mic in the new Verizon commercials, is also an actual actor who has played minor parts in movies like The Wolf of Wall Street and The Campaign and even a few television shows. He boasts unlimited data for things like smart music streaming, which is cool, except everyone else offers that as well. He may not be very powerful physically, but perhaps there’s more than what meets the eye – he seems to have the ability to pull mics as if from nowhere. Having a weapon like that may be just the advantage he needs as Verizon seems to be the target of many pointed attacks by the other companies. Jealous?
You’ve seen AT&T’s spokeswoman, Lily, in the charming AT&T commercials. She’s friendly, sassy, a bit awkward, and apparently into bedazzling (who isn’t?). She’s an American actress who was born in Soviet Uzbekistan, and she has acted in a few movies and a handful of television shows including “This is Us.” She knows exactly which plan you need with AT&T – especially if you’re a professional basketball player or James Van Der Beek. She may be small, but she’s intelligent; I wouldn’t sleep on Lily in the boxing ring.
Who is T-Mobile’s spokesman? Is it the color pink? Is it the letter “T?” In reality, it looks as though T-Mobile has recruited a slew of celebrity faces as their spokespeople. T-Mobile has utilized Justin Bieber, Martha Stewart, Snoop Dogg, Tim Tebow, Ariana Grande, and more as the faces of their product in many different commercials sharing their network options. They used to have Carly Foulkes, the girl in the pink dress, but she hasn’t been around for a few years, so “various celebrity faces” it is. Does this mean T-Mobile gets a super unfair advantage in the fight club/death ring when these ambassadors throw down? Yes, yes it does. But does that mean an immediate win? Not necessarily.
And the queen of throwing serious shade: welcome Sprint to the ring. Paul Marcarelli, previously known as the “Can you hear me now?” guy, is now the Sprint guy. What. A. Traitor. He’s an actor who’s been in plays and a few other commercials, but he didn’t have the best time being the Verizon guy, so I can’t blame him for seeking revenge. Not only does he mock his previous stint as the Verizon guy, he also uses his old line in a cheeky way, “Yeah, Sprint is way better, can you year THAT?” I’m paraphrasing, but you get it. It doesn’t stop here; there have been various colorful ball ad wars that T-Mobile has gotten in on as well. Not to mention the ad retaliation in response to Thomas Middleditch dropping the mic in his Verizon commercial. Does Paul have the power needed to win in a throwdown against his competitors? Well, nice guy or not, he seems to have some rage built up against at least one competitor.
Boost Mobile, MetroPCS, Virgin Mobile, Straight Talk, and Cricket Wireless are some of the other wireless service options out there, so it feels like they should be represented. However, I have no idea who their representatives are. Once upon a time Fat Joe, Kanye West, and Ludacris said, “Where you at?” in a few Boost Mobile commercials. MetroPCS has the color purple, I guess. Virgin Mobile and Straight Talk . . . don’t have much . . . and Cricket Wireless has those cute little shapes. Their representatives are pretty obscure, so unless those little shapes are scrappier than we thought or Fat Joe shows up for some reason, it’s not looking good for these guys.
Here’s how I expect this giant fight to end up, assuming it’s a West Side Story street fight situation: Thomas Middleditch comes from a dark alley and pulls a mic from his back, Lily stands confident with bedazzled brass knuckles, a gang of celebrities wearing pink walk out of the mist, and Paul Marcarelli walks in in slow motion, smiling coyly at Middleditch – the shapes, and the color purple hide behind cars. Fat Joe never shows up. The main event is Middleditch and Marcarelli. The celebrities begin watching the two of them instead of actually fighting; Lily waits in the shadows.
The fighting is epic, the music in the background is hardcore, and Middleditch has a small lead on Marcarelli. As the main event continues, Lily takes out the celebrities one by one like a lioness picking off baby zebras. Middleditch loses his mic, and now it is man on man, with one final hit, Marcarelli knocks out Middleditch. His final words, “Can you hear me now?” As he stares at him, feeling his victory, Lily swoops in and lays Marcarelli out. He falls next to Middleditch. She leans into his ear and says, “Good!” She walks away, the shapes scatter, and she throws her bedazzled knuckles on the pavement. End scene.
AT&T’s Lily is the Victor. Are you even surprised?
In this incredibly scientific and important research, we’ve discovered almost nothing about the actual product each person represents except that everyone now has unlimited data. However, we’ve discovered something much more important — Lily would win. If this included other brand ambassadors, however, it might be a different story. Not many people would have a chance against Progressive’s Flo.
Guest Post by Chelsy Ranard
Chelsy is a writer from Montana who graduated with her journalism degree from the University of Montana in 2012. She enjoys out-of-date rock music, she’s a shark week fanatic, and she loves listening to talk radio.
Follow her on Twitter @chelsy5