The Vagina Wax Monologues (Based on actual events)

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Summer is in full-effect which, for us ladies, means big trouble in Little China. By China, I mean vagina. We are wearing less clothing and spending a lot of time in swimsuits. I’d be lying if I said my girlfriends and I don’t spend hours talking/stressing about what is going on with our vagina’s hair growth cycle.


Wether you are single or in a relationship and much like the saying about black men, once you “go wax,” you never go back… To razors. Except when you’re single, you don’t have a second chance to make a first impression. Yes, we know no guy has ever passed up a vagina because it was not impeccably groomed, but there is a first time for everything. And I don’t want to be THAT first time.


As if there are not enough things that go on down there that we have to worry about, there is also the question of wax? Shave? Laser? Vaginas belong to women because they are needy bitches. Just like us.


Here are some examples of the unfortunate scenarios we encounter on a vagina-to-day basis:


  • While in the middle of a “growing out” phase, an opportunity arises for a single lady to engage in “adult activities” but you are either not fully ready for a wax, or don’t have time, so you have to reach for the razor. When you finally do, any and every plan you had or could have for such activities will fall through. Murphy’s Law states that, if you are single, you will only have an opportunity to hook up when your vagina is not presentable in any way.
  • You buy a Groupon for a bikini wax and realize, too little too late, that your vag has  just received an embarrassing haircut that resembles a Hitler mustache. (That has been an extremely unfortunate scenario for me in the past, as I am partial to Jewish guys.) Or sometimes, an uneven haircut, so you try to even it out with your razor and end up with what looks like a tumbleweed. You get what you pay for. Considering my waxer sees more of my vagina on a consistent basis than most guys I’ve been on 1 to 3 dates with in 7 years, I’m going to start asking for $75 up front from anyone who’d like to enter me. (I’m even willing to arrange a payment plan.)
  • Sometimes, you get waxers who like to criticize your vagina. Those particular individuals usually have accents. They will make you feel bad because your hair is too short, even though you are paying them the same amount of money! Just do what you can and lose the attitude, Svetlana. Thanks. I once had a Russian woman who said to me in the thickest accent imaginable, “You have baby before?” which is not exactly what you want to hear when her face is an inch from your 25 year old vag. “Ummm… NO!!!!! Why?” I responded, while trying not to kick her in her tits. “You take pain so vell,” she answered. Maybe you should open with THAT next time, lady, before I start thinking that I might need A LOT more than a bikini wax…


Ladies, you are never alone in your vagina woes. Always remember: A good bikini wax is a terrible thing to waste.

Follow me @luchanagatica

Luchana Gatica
I am a 30 year-old comedian/actress/writer and most importantly, dirtyandthirty blogger! I am known for having way too much experience on the single life and making fun of myself.


  1. Adam Hennessey says:

    Its cool, when all else fails just turn off the lights. Its not like us guys are going to be wearing night vison goggles. Its all good. We don’t need the landing strip to land the plane we can put it down in the bushes if we need too. 🙂

  2. Ecclesiastes says:

    Two things come to mind when I read this blog post

    First, I once saw a question on a discussion blog “Do I, as a man, preferred a woman to be trimmed or not ‘down there’.”

    My answer was “That’s like asking me do I want my hundred dollar bill face up or face down?”

    Second, when you fret this much on this question, I have to wonder, just how many guys are getting a visual on your landing strip? I think this is a situation where a guy would prefer a rough grass surface than one paved, with taxiways.

  3. alicia says:

    When I lived in L.A. (I now live in Austin, TX aka L.A. #2 now) a girl friend of mine told me the same thing…”once you wax, you’ll never go back.” Well she was right. I started off with bikini waxes with my undies on…trust me ladies it helps you get over the whole embarrassment thing. I did that for about 1 1/2 years and after going to the same person I was finally ready to step up my game. My waxer actually told me she can practically do a Brazilian all with my undies on so that my vag isn’t actually revealed. Knowing the revealing my vag was really the only true embarrassing thing, I decided to give it a go.

    But as a first timer I would never suggest a Brazilian. You need to get used to a regular bikini wax a few times, more like a lot of time, before you escalate into a Brazilian. And ladies, if you feel it’s just going to cost too much, you can try a beauty school and they charge usually in the price range of the $20s.

    For me, after 4 years of paying for bikini waxes and Brazilians i started doing it all myself. It’s amazing how many waxes and how long $40 worth of wax and supplies can get you. I bought my little wax burner and supplies at Sally Beauty and I have 3 types of waxes that I use for different areas and it will last me about another 2 years.

    Yes ladies, there are ways to pamper yourself without spending so much money! I can’t do the waxes 100% like a professional but it takes off 90% of the hair and that’s just enough for me to feel GREAT.

    and trust me, when your man starts to love you more down there, you WILL be happy!

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