This month, for fun, I decided to partake in a parasite cleanse. Ah, my glamorous life. I know, you’re so jealous. See…I went to Mexico last November and I came down with a hearty dose of Montezuma’s Revenge, aka Awesome Reason To Never Go To Mexico Again Unless I Want To Lose 10 Pounds While Absolutely Hating Everything About Life. It was bad. Really, really bad. Living all day every day on the toilet for over a week bad. I recovered, slowly, but ever since then my digestive system has not been the same.
I’ve by and large ignored it, barring a two-week-long episode that I decided was just me stressing out so much about bad life decisions that I was giving myself an ulcer. Then it happened again a few weeks ago. I thought it was a certain place that I was eating…then I thought it must be a certain food I was eating. Then it seemed that I just had constant stomach pain…when I was hungry, when I was full, when I engaged in any kind of physical activity…and I was miserable. Abdominal pain takes over your brain, no matter what else you are doing.
So, I took matters into my own frustrated hands. Not wanting to go to the doctor to spend a ton of money just to find out it was something I could damn well fix myself, I consulted a holistic specialist friend for her advice. Armed with a little knowledge, I strode through the doors of Whole Foods and got myself a nice big ($40!) box of Paragone. The instructions were complicated and strict – take both pills and liquid three times a day with a lot of water, but only on an empty stomach and at least 30 minutes before eating – so, if you’re me, never. This doesn’t include all the dietary restrictions you must follow to have a truly effective cleanse experience.
Bah! Impossible! Sorry, I can’t survive on Granny Smith apples and kale. My mind cried out, but I had to try SOMETHING. I began. The stomach pain hasn’t subsided. In fact, it’s probably worse. I’m told this is because my body is so unused to the process, and maybe also because I have so many parasites in my intestines (yummy). Also, it might be due to putting the extra strain on my system right before strenuous activities like work and the gym, but when else can I take it? I’m trying to follow some of the guidelines at least. I have a few days left, and then the instructions are to take three days off, buy another box, and start all over again. Considering the continued abdominal cramps, the complicated inconvenience, the weird green diarrhea (just warning you) and the fatigue, I think I’ll pass. I’m going to take a few days, see if I feel at all improved, and if not, then it’s probiotics till all else fails and I end up marching my ass over to the medical center. Hope you are way more of a miracle cure than you feel like at the moment, Paragone.
On the plus side, this way I don’t have to give my GP a stool sample.