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I’m in a long distant relationship because my boyfriend lives in the future
by Amber Lane

Hello Dirty and thirty-ers!! Allow me to intorduce myself; I’m Amber, Amber Lane, that is. And let me tell you, that Lane part means a lot! You see, not only am I a newly christened thirty-year-old, I am also a newly divorced single (WOO!!)  lady. To give y’all the long and the short of it, I was divorced (official on February 14th 2012) after 5 years of marriage and a nine year relationship. A relationship that spanned my ENTIRE twenties.

After spending about 6 months crying my eyes out in my child room at my Mother’s house; I got word my ex-husband was getting remarried and had baby on the way. So I took a leap of faith and packed up my bags and moved down to LA. Oh, have I mentioned I haven’t had sex in 14 months?!

Yup. These are the chronicles of my new Dirty and Thirty life here in LA.

Don’t worry… I won’t leave you hanging about the 14 months part. Someone here is a bit gun-shy, dick-shy, you might say. one thing I have learned about my new thirty year old self is that I’m A LOT less dirty than I ever thought I was! After losing my V-card at the tender age of sixteen I reveled in the fact I was officially sexual. And lots of sex was had. Most of it bad. But I was a bit of a “try-sexual” as Samantha Jones would call it. Perhaps my wild escapades at an age when I was still figuring myself out lead me to such committed long-term relationship. But sex was way better in a committed relationship for me. It wasn’t awkward, it was intimate and it was often. None of that “is he going to call me?” “am I going to get fucked tonight?” kind of thing. When the ex husband (and this be the last mention of that dick) and I had sex, I knew in my mind it was going to be the last time, so I made it worth it.

Little did I know it would be the last time I would get laid in over a year. I guess you could say I  have a “BIT” of a guard up. I mean after having my heart trampled on, I guard and protect my own heart and have a bit of an edge to me. Black guys seem to be the ones bold enough to even try to spit their game at me, but I’m a bit more of a connection person rather then a gamer. And when someone’s spitting game at you it’s hard to tell if there’s connection potential. But I’ll take a compliment anyway. Thank you sir!

See I’m looking for the one (oh don’t get scared boys!! I don’t need a new last-name anytime soon). I’m looking for the one who gives me butterflies. The one who pushes me outside of my comfort zone. The one who teaches me things about myself and the world that I don’t know existed. And the one who wants to learn and grow with me. Okay so maybe my expectations are high. But I know he’s out there, because he is in my dreams… Come on we all grew up watching Disney, that shit brainwashed me! Sigh.

So until next time please leave any advice, questions or topic requests. I’m thinking masturbation…

Ta-ta for now ladies, and go help yourself out, y’all know I will! Thanks for reading, and I look forward to sharing more of my dirty and thirty life with you all.

 
Amber Lane
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One Response to I’m in a long distant relationship because my boyfriend lives in the future

  1. B G says:

    I’m also 30 and newly divorced (as of May) from the man I spent all of my 20s with. However, I’ve had lots and lots of sex. It is glorious. In my marriage, I thought I wasn’t a sexual person. Having lots of crazy sex after my divorce has been better for me than therapy (and I have a really good therapist).

    I’m not saying you should try my approach, but at least try dating. I did online dating. You put it out there right away that you’re divorced, and it’s a ton of fun. At the very least, you get out of the house and could have a good story to tell your friends afterwards.

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