Previouslies – Not Vanessa Williams forces Serena’s hand to get Dan’s book rights. Chivy broke into the Bass safe and delivers all their secrets to Liz Hurley, and Liz Hurley is one of those secrets. Louis renounces his throne and becomes a little less Disney and a little more Machiavelli.
Gossip Girl, Episode 6. “I am Number Nine”
Blair is aching to dehumanize someone and calls upon the 99% to participate in an Olympics of bridesmaid sports. She assures Louis that it’s her last hurrah, though her first Hora did end with her getting biblical with Chuck. Gossip Girl, the eternal tease, has yet to tell us if the Bar Mitzvah bang begat a child.
You know, if Nate’s experience in the working world will shape him for his future jobs, it looks as though he’s destined to be Madonna’s newest backup dancer. In a stunning display of continued naivety, he asks Liz Hurley to be his date to the Spectator launch party. Liz Hurley tries to keep a straight face as she lets him down easy. Poor Nate, he wants to know what love is. He wants you to show him.
Dan and Rufus are wearing matching plaid shirts. I have no words.
It’s a 90s extravaganza as we find out that Not Vanessa Williams and Liz Hurley are friends!?! They must have met when they both went to see Waiting to Exhale. Serena’s finds that they are old friends. Shoop Shoop Shoop…
Prince Louis drops in on Chuck’s therapist and demands that in the 5th, Chuck goes down. What’s that Dr. Barnes? That’s priiiiide fucking with you. Dr. Barnes then drops in on Chuck at home with some veiled excuse that “being in his environment might help”. In reality she would walk in the building and be like “Do you often sit at your kitchen table drinking scotch in complete silence? Is this something we need to devote some time to?” Instead she jumps right in on his kryptonite – Blair. Chuck doesn’t take the bait. Dr. Barnes is warmed by the softening Bass and all of her Hippocratic promises come back to life.
Cut to Serena and Dan at their first development meeting. Not Vanessa Williams saunters in with an “Exec from Warners”, Natalie, who looks 13 and says dumb shit like “I love love love your book!” People stopped quoting Carrie Bradshaw in 2007 and someone should let her know. The development team starts to brainstorm on how to make Dan’s beloved character into a blockbuster role. Apparently that means a singing orphan. I’m listening….. Dan accuses them of trying to turn his book into Newsies. At this, I spit out my fresca. Shut up – shut up right there. Newsies is a tremendous film. You know who was in Newsies? Christian Bale. That’s right – Batman! So fuck off. Dan throws a hissy and storms off.
Serena persuades Dan to wave the rights to his book so that it won’t get stuck in production or development or whatever she learned in her one semester at Columbia. She vows to protect him and she gives him her word. So Dan’s tale is back on track and he won’t have to worry about orphan musical theater. There are no cats in America and the streets are paved with cheese.
Like every other Gossip Girl Episode in the history of the show, it all comes together at a party (or gala, or wedding, etc etc). Tonight it’s the Spectator party where there is a kissing contest between the bridesmaid candidates, Nate is trying to make Liz Hurley jealous, Chuck is trying to take down Louis and vice versa, and absolutely everyone is dressed in jewel tones.
Dr. Barnes, therapist to Chuck and mole to Louis, drops by the party. Chuck outs Dr. Barnes and Louis in their plan to exploit Chuck’s personality disorders. It’s all gasps and pearl clutching from the audience. The party continues to unfold as everyone’s plans for sabotage are stunted and no one is better off for having known anyone in the room.
Chuck leaves Blair’s engagement ring on the steps of Harry Winston. And it’s raining, And he’s wearing a trench coat. And the city streets stretch on forever. That’s what they call melodrama, folks.
P.S. You heard it hear first – I think Liz Hurley is Chuck’s real mom.
…Xoxo JILLIAN PATRICE