G.G. RECAP – SEASON 5, Episode 4 – Memoirs of an Invisible Dan

Dirt of the DayDirty Hollywood

And here’s your weekly G.G. recap!

Previouslies – Ivy is Charlie, Charlie is Ivy, Serena and the poor man’s Vanessa Williams move it on up to NYC, Chivy lost her phone but really Liz Hurley pinched it, Louis is making a baby with Blair, Dan wrote a book.

The episode opens in a dream where Dan is the literary darling of New York. Even in his dreams he looks anorexic. Dan’s new publicist or agent or who cares, Allesandra, spends the majority of her time kissing Dan’s ass. ‘You’re BRILLIANT and your book is GENIUS and let’s tie it all up in a bow with an unshaven Brooklyn face.’

Blair and Louis are getting ready to announce their baby plans to the world. I’m really excited for them to tell Cyrus so that he can say, “Inconceivable!” a la Princess Bride. Blair deprecates her position by creating fake reality TV show titles like  “Unmarried and Pregnant Princesses” or “Royally Screwed”. Does the CW have a mole inside the Bravo offices, because there is a 90% chance that these titles are already in production.

Whoaaaaa – Serena is at the office! Her boss is on day 1 of her Blueprint Cleanse. I have, in fact, done this cleanse. And I don’t give a shit about how healthy and energetic you are supposed to feel afterwards, this shit is the worst. Serena’s job is apparently to come up with clever ways to get actors’ attention toward her scripts. She sends Daniel Day Lewis a copy of their Blue Rose script with a handwritten (!) note and rose bush that only grows in Ireland. If they wanted to pitch Serena they could send her Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants III and a lock of Dan Humphrey’s luxurious hair.

Nate and Liz Hurley are browsing through photos on the stolen cell phones. Liz Hurley is fascinated with Charlie/Ivy’s phone because her contacts are just a list of numbers, and no names. Ummm what? Chivy memorizes everyone’s number? And then Nate recognizes Serena’s number (or at least the shapes of the symbols that appear before her voice comes through the magic plastic).

Everyone congregates at Lily’s for Dan’s big reveal. “This is how every murder mystery starts”, Serena notes. Dear Lord, I hope it’s Human Centipede. In Dan’s fictional memoirs of his friends Nate is gay, Chuck commits suicide, Serena is self-absorbed, and Rufus is a has-been. Amen, Dan.  Serena, however, is confident that her character will evolve into the mature and benevolent Serena that she sees her self to be. Serena is now officially the centerpiece of my human centipede.

Louis, the crowned prince of Monaco, now subscribes to Gossip Girl. Just sayin’.  He is upset because there is more evidence that Chuck and Blair have been meeting. This is easily diffused as Blair distracts him with a something shiny and he forgets the whole thing. Louis spends his days just sitting on an uncomfortable chair in Blair’s foyer, waiting for opportune times to walk into a room at just the right moment.

Chivy, who is pretty terrible at lying and espionage in general, goes with Nate to the Spectator offices to try to find the fake Ivy.  Luckily, Nate has a lot of experience with being duped by UES infiltrators (ahem Juliet) so she doesn’t have to try very hard. Liz Hurley walks in on them and is disproportionately upset. “What is SHE DOING HERE?” Uh oh. Her next line should be, “And WHO SAID YOU COULD PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON?!?!”

Dan’s book is sweeping the Upper East Side. “I guess Dad’s halfway through; Nate’s probably on page 20” (or however long it takes for him to sound out the words). Dan is sitting on his new best friend Chuck’s sofa. I wonder where in Dan’s book is the part where Chuck tries to rape his little sister? Or when he eventually took her virginity? Or punched him in the face during he’s Season 1 scarf days?

The tension crescendos at the book party. All the shrills of “How could you tell such lies!?” are Louis’ bat signal to bursts in. “Of course iz true! Zees is why oo ahd me keel your story!” Oh, he’s so mad! But, Quoi? Un photo? But of coes! And the group puts their differences aside to pose for a picture, of course.

Everyone disperses as Dan is introduced to his adoring public. Little does he know, Serena will soon be after him for the book rights. Her boss gives her a get-it-or-else ultimatum. Why not send Daniel Day Humphrey a Brooklyn hoodie, a Brooklyn College hat, and a copy of “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn” so that we can MAKE SURE that everyone knows DAN LIVES IN BROOKLYN. Get it, people.

Another episode comes to an end. Chivy is forced to spy on her friends via The Spectator, which probably won’t go well considering she is getting her job training from Nate.

Jillian Patrice
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