I don’t know what it is – either people in Los Angeles suck at driving more than the average citizen, or there are just so many more people here that it seems that way. If you are one of these crappy motorists – and sorry, statistically, you just might be – read up! (And stay the hell away from me on the 101. I’m the crappy old silver Altima with the dirt and all the hit and run scratches…from other drivers.)
USE. YOUR. TURN. SIGNAL.
What, you thought those were for looks? To be used on special occasions like hazards? I’m sure it’s just that you don’t know where to find them – I mean, they are pretty hidden. Whatever it is, break out the old driver’s manual (What? You threw it away?) and find them! Do you know how many accidents you could cause because you are simply too lazy to flick a lever? No one on the freeways here uses them to switch lanes. Barely anyone even uses them to turn a corner. I can’t read your damn mind, and I’m getting carpal tunnel, a stiff neck, and a bad attitude from trying.
Fix Your Damn Brakelights.
This is the easiest way to not get rear-ended. We live in L.A., the Land of the Tailgate, and I don’t mean the fun kind. I’m a notorious tailgater, especially if your ass is going less than the speed limit – but we will get to that later. Save my insurance and your bumper, and spend the ten bucks to PepBoy that shit right up.
Yes, I’m a hypocrite, but I’m trying to reform. It really is the worst idea out here, because you’ll be S.O.L. when that ancient lady in front of you in the Crown Vic decides she needs to make a last-second right turn…without a signal. Drivers are unpredictable. Protect yourself, and pray that she does indeed make this turn so you can get on with your life.
Don’t Drive Under The Speed Limit.
Why? Because the rest of us who aren’t talking/texting/chatting/ancient hate you. Just don’t do it. If your car can’t muster up 35, maybe you should leave it where you found it. If I can pass you on a bicycle, something is really wrong. I can barely even ride a bicycle.
Don’t Drive Like A Jerk Either.
Just because I want you to go faster than a 10-year-old on a skateboard does NOT mean you should drive like a bat out of hell either. I’m aware that your Corvette is faster than my P.O.S. without you demonstrating it on the PCH at 90 mph. If you need to show off that desperately, you must have a really small…opinion of yourself. And dick. You have a tiny, tiny dick.
Don’t Ignore All Road Rules In Parking Lots.
I’m just trying to get my groceries without dying. Why am I suddenly in a free zone? LOOK AROUND! There’s a reason so many accidents happen here. That reason is that people act like morons. Stop at the end of the row, watch for pedestrians, carts, and small children, and stop pulling out of your spot while you’re on your phone! The psychic hotline can wait one minute, and yeah, guess what? They’re going to tell you that you’re about to get in a car accident! You’re welcome. I just saved you five bucks.