According to Wikepdia:Wallflower – In social situations, a wallflower is a shy or unpopular individual who doesn’t socialize or participate in activities at social events. The term comes from the image of a person isolating themselves from areas of social activities at ballroom dances and parties, where the people who did not wish to dance (or had no partner) remained close to the walls of the dance hall.
I have never been a wallflower but I have always felt like one. Being very social & popular in high school…college…adult life…I still just feel very lonely. “So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.” I walk through almost everyday with those thoughts and feelings. I feel, and I feel deeply. I may have the exterior of a spunky, perky, outgoing girl but inside it feels a bit different. “Enjoy it. Because it’s happening.” I think I get too wrapped up in the outcome of everything. I am a dreamer. My brain can imagine a full story from start to finish before anything has even happened. I constantly have to be reminded by those close to me to enjoy the ride. It is really hard for me to just sit back and enjoy it because I already see the outcome so clearly in my head…and I am not there yet. I smell and taste success so clearly, but the potential of my success has yet met my vision. I am a believer in action. You can do anything you want with very hard work and the right opportunity. But I am learning that I cannot control everything around me.
I believe that we can truly find the person who sees us for the person we are. I don’t want to settle for less. “It’s just that I don’t want to be somebody’s crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too.” I have spent so many years working on myself to become the best person I can be, and although I am still deeply flawed I am proud of who I am and want to share my evolved self with someone else. “Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?” “We accept the love we think we deserve.” We do, and it’s sad. I see my friends do it. I do it. I have settled for those who have treating me way below any standard that is acceptable. I became attached to the idea…the idea of that person. The potential of what the relationship could become. At the age of 32 I have never been in love. I have loved and been loved, but I have never been in love. I have that to look forward to.
“I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people. Maybe that is what makes people participate.” Choosing to participate is scary. It is easier to half-ass something and not give it your all, then to give it your all and fail. Writing an honest blog like this with so much truth is just scary, but I have to do it. I have to participate. “I have decided that maybe I want to write when I grow up. I just don’t know what I would write.” I decided in high school that I wanted to be an actress. It was just a decision. I never really thought about, it just came into my mind and I decided. I was going to be an actress…so I acted. I also wanted to be a Lakers girl but that decision fizzled away. As I am allowing life to pan out the way it wants to, I am realizing that there is a bigger picture. I don’t just want to act, I want to create. When I create… “I feel infinite.” I just get worried sometimes because… “I’m just thinking too fast– much too fast.” I get scared to create because I have so many thoughts in my head that I can’t get them all down onto paper. I don’t forget them, but I just can’t compile them all into one place.
“It’s kind of like when you look at yourself in the mirror and you say your name. And it gets to a point where none of it seems real… It just happens very fast, and things start to slip away…It doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does, it scares me.” I do this all time, but with the meaning of life. I sit here and I walk around my apartment; I feel my feet through the wooden floor then I look in the mirror and I think…wow I am breathing, I am a human being, I am living this life and it scares me.
“And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.” I walked out of watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower with that feeling; the feeling that I am doing something correct, something that is leading up to my full potential. I walked out of the theatre knowing I mattered; that I have to participate. I am accepting the love I know I deserve, not only from someone else but from myself. “I feel great! I really mean it. I have to remember this for the next time I’m having a terrible week.” On days when I feel fabulous I wish I could bottle up the emotion and save it, then ingest it to remind myself what it feels like on the days I don’t want to participate; the days I want to be negative and mope around and complain. “Because things change. And friends leave. And Life doesn’t stop for anybody.” I learned that the day my dad passed away. Life didn’t stop. He did. I watched him stop. And he told me that, the day before he died. He told me that he wanted me to go on and live my life and do what I was supposed to do. He even made sure that he passed away just in time for me to go home to shoot a commercial and back in time for his funeral because he didn’t want my life to stop. He wanted me to go on and I did…with a lot of tears.
“So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.” I try to live my life without regrets. It’s hard because I think too much…I plan, I dream, and I do. I want perfection…but there is no such thing. I have to be okay with where I am. No, it is definitely not where I thought I would be, but if everything happened the way I expected it to…life would be so boring.
Confessions of a Wallflower