“I revealed too much too soon. I was emotionally slutty.” – Carrie Bradshaw
It’s a fine balance to know when/what/how much to say, but I think we’ve seen too many movies where if the girl or the guy would have just said what they were thinking…everything would have been okay?! I think this line of thinking is unhealthy and one of desperation! If you find yourself in this hole, start hollering for some rope. DO NOT JUST CHILL here and see how much further down you can go. This is dating suicide.
Keep in mind, we develop intimacy and bond with people by sharing intimate details of our lives. Moving too quickly is like physically stepping in someone’s personal space. It’s uncomfortable. The interest-switch instantly flicks off when there is an imbalance of sharing because you haven’t developed a solid “circle of trust.” Sharing intimate details bonds us because they aren’t something we would just share with anyone, so don’t just give them to anyone!
When you feel that urge to get slutty and start letting someone in too quickly – immediately push it back on them and ask them more questions about THEM. It’s a known fact that people who listen are considered great “conversationalists” without even talking? Why? Because they let the other person talk about themselves….and people love talking about themselves! Win someone over by listening, not by crowding their personal space!
I’m not saying you shouldn’t say what you need to say but do it with dignity for goodness sake. Brevity is key.
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Jenna Time
Miss Jenna Couture is a Sexuality Educator & Intimacy Coach. She has extensive experience in working with a full spectrum of sexuality issues from sexual desire, sexual dysfunction, and relational issues for couples and individuals.
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Great post Jenna! Emotional intimacy is a gift and the decision to share on that level needs to be made with care. Before sharing on that level, be sure that trust and safety are present. Getting to know someone takes time- it’s not a process that can be rushed. Philosopher Vernon Howard advised that we need to give people time to show us who they are. Why share your pearls before you are sure of the person you are sharing with. And yeah, it comes off as desperate and will likely overwhelm the person you are unloading on. At the very least, they will get the message that they don’t have to make any effort to know your most personal secrets.
This is a real conundrum thank you for addressing it. The complexity arises due to, for lack of better word, our hectic culture, in a busy metropolis where everybody’s schedule’s are crazy, seeing people on a regular basis is real challenge. You basically have to be a part of group activities or some other circumstance (outside of work) to generate the kind of environment that promotes bonding. (There are exceptions in certain fields where you will work with people for short periods of time at random and develop lasting bonds because of the intensity of that short term experience.) The problems come in where people don’t see each for extensive periods of time and when you do see them it is for short periods of time. Because of this harsh reality, its hard to let the natural process of emotional sharing and circle of trust occur naturally. The action of letting people in quickly, above mentioned as emotionally slutty seems to stem more from anxiety than anything else. In a perfect world, (obviously theoretically, and with humor) you could get a side of Xanax to compliment your Cosmopolitan at the bar to combat this problem. Due to the anxiety there is a great feeling to let people in to quickly because there is no certainty when the next time is that you will encounter this person. Because of the space and time involved between encounters the need to speed up the process almost comes from a lower brain survival instinct. In a city like Los Angeles where the distances are vast, along with being known as the loneliest city, you can see how the pieces of this complex puzzle come together to form an emotional quagmire. The solutions (obviously brainstorming here) would be to join some kind of activities group that meets fairly regularly. Something where you have something in common with the other people there. I know in Los Angeles that can be a tough stretch when you come home from work and all you want to do is pass out. The weekend activities work better sometimes. There are some times you’ve had such a long week all you want to do is sleep on the weekends. That is another piece of the puzzle, if you have had such a long day or week, you may not have the energy to be social. This is where you need to make some kind of commitment to force yourself to go out and see people in order to naturally grow the circle-of-trust. In a city a like Los Angeles, it takes a lot more work to grow because of the time commitment and planning. If you want to join a hiking group that hikes on the beach but you live an hour-an-half away because of traffic you come down to making a subjective decision based on your energy level. In conclusion, everybody has their own comfort level when it comes to sharing their thoughts and feelings with others. Sometimes because of fear or anxiety people are just going to dump information on you. Technology being what it is today, sharing information electronically wether it be email, an open form like this one, it provides a unique alternative. All you can do is just listen and try to help them figure out the best strategy based on their particular circumstance.
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